My journey to a healthier me

Tales of my life

Still struggling

Why? I don’t understand it. I’m still fighting with myself over everything — workouts, motivation, food. It’s out of control. And I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to get back on track. I know what I need to do. I know what not to eat. So why am I having such a hard time??? To make matters worse, I feel like I’m letting my supporters down because I’m not doing what I should be. I feel like some of them may be disappointed in me. And that hurts. But what can I expect? I’m just making excuse after excuse lately. I’m eating things I shouldn’t. I’m not pushing myself as hard as I know I can. Everything seems so much harder than it should be. I’m better than this. I know that. I know I can push through the aches and sore muscles. I know how to eat clean. But just because I know it, doesn’t mean I’m applying it. I’m making excuses. And I’m being lazy. I’m disappointed in myself, so I wouldn’t be surprised to find out others are disappointed too. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn some are ready to give up on me. Maybe they think I’ve given up on myself. I haven’t. I really haven’t. I’m just struggling. And I don’t know how to get out of it. I’m trying. Really I am. There are times I just want to sit in a corner and cry. I don’t know what’s wrong. How can I fix it if I don’t know what’s wrong?? It’s taking just about everything I have to get myself to the gym. That leaves very little to push myself through my workouts. I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. I see someone on the brink of failure, the edge of giving up. And I’m fighting with her. I’m fighting hard to stay in the game. But I’m worried. I’m afraid I’m losing to her. And it scares me. I need help. I need someone to say its okay, to help me find the drive I once had, to help me defeat that girl that wants to give up.

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Am I crazy??

The last couple of days I’ve been questioning myself, doubting myself. This is nothing new for me. But it’s been a while since I doubled myself this much. I’m beginning to think I’m a little crazy, wondering what I’ve gotten myself into. You see, I have big plans for myself this year. I am planning on doing 2 – 10k walk/runs, in which I want to be able run/jog part of the time; and 2 Relay for Life walks, and in each I want to do 50 laps. I think that’s pretty ambitious. Especially if you consider the fact that I couldn’t do either last year.

I walked in my first 5k last year. And I’m very proud of that. And I really want to do a 10k. But right now I’m questioning whether I will be ready, whether I can actually do it. I never attempted 10k before. What if I can’t do it?? I’m trying to push myself, but what if it’s not enough??

During the Relay for Life last year, I walked 35 laps. That was the most I’d ever done. It wasn’t all at once, of course. It was like 5 or 6 laps at a time and over a 12-hour period. So why do I want to do 50? Good question. I don’t have an answer really. Maybe to prove to myself that I can. But now I’m questioning it. Is it too ambitious?? And I’m planning to do it twice. Is that too ambitious as well?

And I’m questioning myself in general too. Am I training hard enough? Am I pushing myself enough? Am I doing everything I can? Am I eating clean enough? Can I be doing more?

I know that every little bit counts. I know that every workout I do brings me closer to my ultimate goal. I know that I’m stronger than I was last year … Heck, I’m stronger than I was 3 months ago! And yet, I’m still questioning myself, still doubting myself. And I don’t know how not to.

And that sometimes makes me think I’m crazy. Am I crazy for creating such ambitious goals for myself? Am I crazy for thinking I’m not training hard enough? Am I crazy for doubting myself?

I try not to let these thoughts get to me. I try not to let them get into my head. But sometimes it happens when I’m not paying attention. Or if I’m having a bad day. Or if I’m struggling at the gym. I need to figure out how to stop them. I just don’t know how. I’m working on it though.

I have great friends that I can turn to when I’m struggling. But what if they get tired of listening to my struggles, of me needing their help all the time? What if they get tired of me doubting myself? I don’t want them to give up on me. I don’t want them to think I’m giving up on myself.

So what do I do? I do I stop questioning myself? How do I stop doubting myself? How do I stop thinking I’m crazy? I don’t have the answers … at least not yet.

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Walls, walls, and more walls

It seems like everywhere I look lately I see another wall. Some days I feel like I’m in a huge maze and every time I turn a corner, there is another wall. I turn around and go another way, and there’s another wall. It’s like a maze without an exit, just walls wherever I look. It’s fracking frustrating!!! And it’s like they just popped up out of nowhere. I thought things were going pretty well. I thought I was on track. I was feeling pretty good. And then WHAM! I’m stuck. And I don’t know how to get unstuck. I don’t know how I got stuck in the first place. I’m frustrated. And it’s affecting my workouts. I hate this. I want to break through the walls but I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do. I thought it would get easier as I move along in my journey, but that doesn’t seem the case. So what do I do? How do I get through it? How do I break the walls? I wish I knew. I really wish I knew. And sometimes I get scared. Scared that those supporting me are going to get tired of my whining, of my sour-puss attitude, and just give up on me. That’s always in the back of my mind. And I’d like to talk, hopefully figure out what’s bugging me, but I don’t want to be a pest. And I sometimes I feel like I’m being a pest. I hope they know I don’t mean to be. I hope they know I just need help. I’m sure they are frustrated with me. I’m frustrated with me. I just don’t want them to give up on me. I need them. I’m trying to break out of this. I’m trying to do better, be better. I really am trying. Just don’t give up on me.

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Good news, Bad news

Okay, Bad news first. My gym closed. They had been struggling for a while, but tried to keep things going. They just couldn’t do it any more. And I’m sad. Sad for everyone really. Sad for those that owned it, sad for those that worked there, sad for those who enjoyed working out there, sad for myself. I felt like I found a home there. I really enjoyed going there. I met some really nice people, some of whom I now call friends. I’m going to miss them all. I’m going to miss my classes. As weird as it sounds, I’m going to miss the equipment, even those that I struggled with. I’m going to miss the stairs Tyler made me run up. I’m going to miss the bosu balls I never got the hang of. I’m going to miss the stupid box Tyler made me do step-ups on. I’m going to miss it all. On the last day, I walked through the gym, remembering and saying goodbye. I was terrified when I first heard it was closing. Terrified I wouldn’t find another place I liked. Terrified I would lose Tyler. Terrified I would lose my momentum. But now I think I’m okay, I’ve made my peace with it closing. Time to move on.

So what’s the Good news?

First bit of good news is that I’m not losing Tyler. When he first told me about the gym closing, I was terrified. I was so afraid of what happen if I didn’t have him to help me. I could feel myself starting to panic. But he reassured me that I would not lose him. And that was the only thing that kept me from completely freaking out. So we are still going to train together. We’re just going to be switching things up, looking for new ways to work out, new ways to push me. And I think that’s a good thing. Maybe that’s what my workout routine needs, to be shaken up. Maybe I was becoming too comfortable with the way things were. Time for a change.

Second bit of good news is Tyler has already found us a new place to workout. This was my other big worry. Where would we go? What would we do? I know we could do some stuff outside, but what about those days it’s too hot? Or it’s raining? What about what if we didn’t find a place before winter? So many things went through my mind. But Tyler kept telling me it would be okay. He would find something for us. He told me to trust him. And I do. And he did.

Things are going to be different now, but it’s okay. Will this affect my momentum? Hopefully not. As Tyler told me, it’s not the end of the story, just the start of a new chapter. Look for a blog entry soon about my new workout place.

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Worry

I admit it, I’m a worry-wart. Always have been. It is a very hard habit to break. Or at least it is for me. Over the years, I’ve learned to let some things go, but there are still things that I worry about. You might be asking yourself what this has to do with my journey. A lot actually. When I worry, I’m stressed. And when I’m stressed, I eat … And usually badly.

A good friend told me not to worry, it does nothing for you. If you can’t do anything about it, what is the point of worrying. Just let it go.

Easier said than done. I know that it doesn’t do any good to worry. But that doesn’t always help. Some things are easy to let go of, or at least relatively easy. I’ve learned to let go of little things … Well most little things anyway. But it’s the big things that I have trouble with. I get stressed when I’m worried about big stuff. My heart tells my brain that it will be okay, that everything will work out as it should, but my brain still worries. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Or maybe it’s both.

And yes, the point of this post is that I’m worried about something. Now I’m not going to go into details about it so don’t ask. I will tell you that it is NOT health related. It’s just something that is bothering me, and I can’t really do anything about it, and yet I’m still worried about it.

So how does one stop worrying? Good question. And I wish I had the answer.

Another friend suggested The Serenity Prayer …

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Good advice. But it’s not really helping right now.

The same friend suggested there is more to my worrying than I think. Perhaps there is an underlying reason I’m worried, but I haven’t figured out what that reason is yet. It’s not necessarily the big thing that has me worried, but some smaller consequence of it that is the real reason behind my stress. So once I figure that out, perhaps it will be easier to deal with, to let go of. There is a reason everything happens.

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As I’ve been writing this post, I’ve been chatting with the above mentioned friend. And I think he made me realize what has been bothering me. I think we might have figured out the underlying reason. What is happening is taking me out of my comfort zone and I’m worried I won’t find it again. Seems like a simple thing. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. But sometimes we need someone else to point out what is right in front of us. So will this stop my worrying? Perhaps in this situation it will. Time will tell. And time will tell if it wills help in future situations.

You might be asking yourself why did I chose to post this anyway after figuring out what was wrong. I think it’s a good lesson. Not just for me, but for anyone who reads my blog. There might be more to your worrying than you think. Look for the underlying reason behind it. And if you can’t find it, talk it over with a good friend. You just might need help seeing what is right in front of you. And remember, there is a reason everything happens.

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