My journey to a healthier me

Tales of my life

I only have myself to blame

One of the things I’ve learned about myself along this journey is that I’m an emotional eater and a stress eater.  Most of the time I have pretty good control of it.  Most of the time.

The last 6 months or so have been hard.  There have been times when I’ve been pretty stressed out.  And the events of the last several days have not helped any.  And I haven’t been about to control my eating the way I had been.

I’ve been struggling.  A lot.  With everything, it feels like.

The result?

The scale is going in the wrong direction.

And I only have myself to blame.

I’ve been trying.  But obviously not hard enough.

My workouts are different.  I’m not doing as much strength training as I was.  And I’m sure that has contributed to the problem.

I’m trying not to be too hard on myself.  But how can I not be?

I was making such great progress.  And now I’m going backwards.

And now since the accident, I can’t do much until I get the okay from the doctor.

The only thing I’ve been able to do is a little walking.  But with my sore hip, it takes effort.  And it’s not something I can do every day.  Nor can I go for really long walks.

And that just makes me want to eat more.

I’m trying to be good.  Really, I’m trying.  But it’s so hard.

Not everything I’m eating is bad.

Okay, some of it is.  I try not to keep that stuff in the house, but my husband and I don’t eat the same.  He can have anything he wants.  So sometimes we have stuff in the house.  Most of the time, it’s not a problem.  But lately it has been.

When I’m stress-eating or emotional-eating, I gravitate towards things like bread and sweets.  Not sure why, but I always have.  So if there is bread in the house, I just keep eating it, little by little, until it’s gone.  The same thing goes for sweets.

But sometimes it doesn’t stop there.  Sometimes I just will eat whatever I can find.  It depends on how big the stress or emotional level is.

To make matters worse, I’ve not been keeping up with my food journal as I should be.

I had been really good about it for so long.  I don’t know why I stopped.

I really need to get back to doing it.  I know how much it helps.

I need to get back to basics, I think.

I need to refocus.

I need to plan my meals and snacks better.

I need to do what workouts I can until I get the doctor’s clearance.  And once I get that, I need to get back to do workouts like I used to.

I only have myself to blame for where I’m at now.

But I can’t continually beat myself up about it either.

I need to get myself back on track and do my best to stay there.

I’m not giving up.  I’ve come too far.  And too much is at stake.

I just need to do better.

I will do better.



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A letter to myself …

Dear self,

I know you’re still struggling.  I know it’s hard.  But please don’t give up.  You’ve come a long way and you’re doing an amazing job.

The last few months have been difficult for us, a lot has changed.  But that’s no reason to give up.  It’s just another test of your strength, your resolve.  The fact that you are still at it proves you are strong.  There are some out there that would just love to see you fail.  Don’t give them the satisfaction!  Keep proving all those haters wrong.

I know you’re stressed out about the number on the scale.  Just remember that that number doesn’t tell the whole story.  Remember you are building muscle as you are losing weight.  I know it’s hard, but try not to focus on the scale.  Just keep at it.

I know it’s not easy working out alone.  I know it’s sometimes hard to push yourself beyond what you think your limits are.  But remember that just because no one is right there, doesn’t mean you are alone.  You have a great support system.  It’s okay to lean on them, talk to them about your struggles, ask them for help.  They all want to see you succeed.

We knew from the beginning that this journey would not be easy.  But we also knew it would be worth it.  You’re doing a great job.  I’m very proud of you.  Just keep at it.  Keep doing the best you can.  I believe in you.  I know you can it.



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Being on a plateau

Anyone who’s been on a weight loss journey knows that plateaus happen. And they know that being on one sucks.

For me, it’s a time when I really being to doubt myself. I try and try and try, but the scale doesn’t seem to want to move. I try to remember that it’s only temporary. I try to remind myself that I’m building muscle as I’m losing weight, and as long as I’m still losing inches, it’s okay. But some days it’s hard. Some days I just want to give up, throw in the towel.

I’ve been on a plateau now for about 3 months. And I hate it. I’m so frustrated some days. I’m not giving up, but it’s hard. There are days that I really struggle. But I’m doing my best to hold on. I have promises to keep. I intend to keep fighting until I win the war.

I’m pushing myself as hard as I can. A little too hard in the case of my cardio as it turns out. At the beginning of July, I amped up my cardio. I started walking a lot faster on the treadmill, and trying to increase my jogging speed and time. Well last week my right foot seemed to decide enough was enough. I started having pains in my arch. It seemed to be fine all day, even through my strength training, until about 30 minutes into my cardio when the pains would start. I happen to already have a doctor appointment scheduled, so I talked to him about it while I was there. He thinks I’m forcing it too much, that I need to slow down. Short burst of speed are fine, but extended periods are putting too much pressure on my arch. He suggested I get arch supports for my shoes and to slow down. And to let him know if it gets worse.

While I’m happy it doesn’t seem to be too bad, I’m disappointed in myself. I should have known better. I know that I can’t go from 0 to 60 like a car. I need to build up to faster and longer speeds. I need to stop being in such a hurry to get to the finish line. I’m anxious to get off this plateau, to move to the next level. But I need to do it safely. I need to stop looking for the quick fix. I need to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. As Tyler always tells me, “slow and steady wins the race.”

This plateau won’t last forever. Soon the scale will start to go down again. I just need to stay calm and train on. I need to keep eating as clean as I can. I need to continue my daily workouts. I need to continue to believe in myself. And if I have a bad day, I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and try again.


Peace and tranquility

I’ve been a little stressed lately … Okay maybe a lot stressed. For a while I felt like I was going to go crazy. So much going on. So much pressure. I could feel the urge to just eat everything. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I’m an emotional eater and a stress eater. And I wasn’t sleeping well either. I felt like my workouts were suffering because of it all. I tried not to let it show but I know it did. I could see the concern on the faces of my friends. I confided in a couple of them. I think they were glad I wanted to talk about it. It did feel a little better to talk about what was going on. Not that it actually solved anything, but it was nice having someone listen. They offered hugs and some friendly advice. I gladly accepted both. I felt like I needed a break, needed to get away for a while. I was so glad when my trip to Arizona came up. A chance to get away from it all, visit an old friend, and enjoy some sunshine. Sometimes I think the gloom of winter takes a toll on me. And because winter wanted to hold on so long this year, I think it made things worse. I know that’s not all of it, but I think it contributed to it. I’ve been in Arizona for a few days now, and I’m really enjoying myself. It’s so beautiful here, so peaceful. The sky has been clear, the sun has been shining. It’s been hot but I’m loving it. I feel at peace. I feel like I’m getting back to my old self. I’m not under any pressure. I’m taking it easy for the most part. I’m here to visit my friend Jeff and participate in the Relay for Life with him and his family. I’m very excited about it. Look for a post about the event in a few days. Anyway, I’m feeling better than I have in a while. I hope things will continue to be better when I return home next week. But for now, I’m enjoying the peace and tranquility of being here. It’s a great place.

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