My journey to a healthier me

Tales of my life

Feeling frustrated and getting beyond it

So I had an interesting day at the gym yesterday.

It started out really good. I ran into my friend Meggan as we were both going in. Always nice to see friends at the gym.

I needed to get some cardio done and I had some sessions booked with Cody for strength training.

First up was cardio.

I hopped on the treadmill. Sometimes I just power walk on the treadmill, sometimes I run, sometimes I do both. I started out with power walking, then when I felt like I was warmed up, I did a little running. The running felt good. I was even able to increase the speed. I only had about 40 minutes before my first training session, so I spent 35 of it on the treadmill. I was really happy with it.

Then it was time for strength training with Cody. Most of Cody’s sessions are 30 minutes long. They are small group sessions, so a maximum of 5 people. Often it’s just me and Cody, but occasionally other people sign up too.

So first up for strength training was arms. I love a good arm workout. This session was me and another woman. I challenged myself a bit, opting for slightly heavier weights. It was a good session.

Next up was legs. This time there was 3 of us.  In the first set of exercises he gave us, there was one I couldn’t do. I was frustrated by it. I kept trying but just couldn’t do it. He gave me a modification for it, which I was able to do, but I didn’t feel it was doing anything for me. I wasn’t feeling it. In the next group, he gave us, again, there was one I couldn’t do.  And I was feeling even more frustrated. The other two woman were totally getting it, they could do it all, but I couldn’t. I think that added to my frustration.  I managed to get through the rest of the session without breaking down, but it was close.

His next session was abs, which I hadn’t had a chance to try yet and he had openings, so I decided to give it a go. The first thing he wanted us to do was something I’ve never been able to do. A little background first:  When I joined my first gym in 2012, I came across this piece of equipment. I’m not sure what’s it’s actually called, but I called it a leg lift machine. It looks something like this:

Image result for leg lift machine

I actually had a breakdown at the gym once because I could not do it. As hard as I tried, I just couldn’t do it. Never could. Anyway, back to yesterday. He walks over to this thing and almost immediately the panic rushes in, remembering what it was like before. When it was my turn, I tried stepping up into it, and I started shaking and had to step away for a few minutes. I was embarrassed and frustrated all over again. I took a few minutes to calm myself down before coming back. We then moved to the mats. I got down on the floor, ready to work, but once again, frustration that I couldn’t do what he was showing us. They weren’t hard movements, I just couldn’t do them. I tried modifying them, but still couldn’t. I was on the verge of a breakdown and I knew it. I got up and walked out. I knew I had to remove myself from the situation. I was beyond frustrated. I was on the verge of giving up and going home. I posted this pic in that moment:

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In that moment, I was ready to give up. But I knew that I couldn’t. I knew that I had to push myself beyond my frustrations. I had to keep going. So I drank some water and walked around the gym until I was feeling better. I never went back into the abs session. I waited until it was over. I had another session following it.

Cody asked if I was okay and I said yes, I was fine. He asked if I wanted to go home and I said no, I was good. I could tell he was concerned, but I think he trusted that I wouldn’t push myself too hard. So we moved on to the next session.

The next session was a back workout. This session also had 3 of us in it. I pushed myself hard, opting to try slightly heavier weights that I used previously. It paid off. I felt like I did really well.

After the session was over, I took a break. Drank more water and used the time to chill. I still had one more session to go.

The last session of the day was a chest workout. This session was just Cody and I. He asked if I was okay, and I said yes, I was good to go. We did a couple new things, and again, I opted to try some slightly heavier weights. The session was good.

By the end, I was feeling much better. I felt like I had moved beyond my frustrations. I was proud of myself for not giving up. I felt that overall, I had a good solid workout. I was tired and a little sore, but left the gym with a smile on my face.

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It was good at the beginning, messy in the middle, and good at the end. Some days are like that.

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I only have myself to blame

One of the things I’ve learned about myself along this journey is that I’m an emotional eater and a stress eater.  Most of the time I have pretty good control of it.  Most of the time.

The last 6 months or so have been hard.  There have been times when I’ve been pretty stressed out.  And the events of the last several days have not helped any.  And I haven’t been about to control my eating the way I had been.

I’ve been struggling.  A lot.  With everything, it feels like.

The result?

The scale is going in the wrong direction.

And I only have myself to blame.

I’ve been trying.  But obviously not hard enough.

My workouts are different.  I’m not doing as much strength training as I was.  And I’m sure that has contributed to the problem.

I’m trying not to be too hard on myself.  But how can I not be?

I was making such great progress.  And now I’m going backwards.

And now since the accident, I can’t do much until I get the okay from the doctor.

The only thing I’ve been able to do is a little walking.  But with my sore hip, it takes effort.  And it’s not something I can do every day.  Nor can I go for really long walks.

And that just makes me want to eat more.

I’m trying to be good.  Really, I’m trying.  But it’s so hard.

Not everything I’m eating is bad.

Okay, some of it is.  I try not to keep that stuff in the house, but my husband and I don’t eat the same.  He can have anything he wants.  So sometimes we have stuff in the house.  Most of the time, it’s not a problem.  But lately it has been.

When I’m stress-eating or emotional-eating, I gravitate towards things like bread and sweets.  Not sure why, but I always have.  So if there is bread in the house, I just keep eating it, little by little, until it’s gone.  The same thing goes for sweets.

But sometimes it doesn’t stop there.  Sometimes I just will eat whatever I can find.  It depends on how big the stress or emotional level is.

To make matters worse, I’ve not been keeping up with my food journal as I should be.

I had been really good about it for so long.  I don’t know why I stopped.

I really need to get back to doing it.  I know how much it helps.

I need to get back to basics, I think.

I need to refocus.

I need to plan my meals and snacks better.

I need to do what workouts I can until I get the doctor’s clearance.  And once I get that, I need to get back to do workouts like I used to.

I only have myself to blame for where I’m at now.

But I can’t continually beat myself up about it either.

I need to get myself back on track and do my best to stay there.

I’m not giving up.  I’ve come too far.  And too much is at stake.

I just need to do better.

I will do better.

 

 

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My quest for proper running shoes

Most of my adult life, it has been very difficult to find shoes that fit properly because I have very wide feet.

If I wanted dress shoes, I had to wear flats because heels were too difficult to walk in, even small ones.  And I usually had to buy a bigger size than I really needed because I needed the extra width.

I could never find boots that fit, not even in the winter.

When I bought sneakers, I had to buy men’s because women’s were never wide enough.  At my heaviest, I wore a 6E width sneaker.  And only 1 company made them that wide (at least that I could find).  And they only came in black or white.  I was a little jealous of people who could buy cool looking sneakers in fancy colours and designs.  All I could get were black or white.

When I started losing weight, I was surprised to find that my feet were shrinking too.  It wasn’t too long before my 6E width shoes were too big.  Now I was down to a 4E width.  I was making progress.  I still couldn’t buy the cool looking sneakers, but I was getting there.

About this time last year, I was in desperate need of new shoes.  I went to the store, but was a little overwhelmed by the choices.  I had started running, and knew that I would need shoes for that.  The ones I had were NOT made for running.  I learned that the hard way.  I also needed shoes for my every day workouts.  I didn’t know if I needed 2 pairs or if 1 would do both.  And I didn’t even know what size I wore anymore.  The clerks at the stores I went to were not helpful.

Tyler had recently bought new shoes, so he said he would go with me to the store.  He helped me find some shoes that fit and would work for what I needed them for.  They were great!  They were so much lighter than my old shoes, they felt like slippers on my feet.  I called them my magic shoes.  They were the first pair of fancy sneakers I ever owned.  I was so happy.

After having these “magic shoes” for about 3 months, a hole developed in one of them.  I tried taking them back to the store, but was told they could not take them back.  After speaking with customer service, I was finally able to exchange them for another pair.

Around this same time, I strained the arch on my right foot.  It was stupid.  I tried pushing myself too fast too soon.  Lesson learned.  After a few weeks and getting custom orthotics, I was on the road to recovery.

Winter approached and I started shopping for boots, unsure if I would even find any to fit.  To my great surprise, I found some really nice ones.  They would be the first winter boots I owned since I was a little kid.  I was a little giddy about it.

As winter wore on, I noticed my sneakers were starting to hurt my feet a little.  Not all the time though.  When I started running on the track, I noticed that my toes started to cramp up at about 2 miles.  I figured it was time for new shoes again.

Ideally, the place to get running shoes is at a running store.  But my town doesn’t have one.  The closest one is about half hour away in the next town, which is not that far, except that I don’t drive.  So I went to the stores we do have.

Again, I felt overwhelmed by the choices.  I wanted to make sure I got proper running shoes.  I tried on probably 15 different shoes.  None felt right.  My foot is wide at the toes, but short in length.  Women’s sneakers didn’t seem quite wide enough; men’s shoes were too long.  I went to another store.  They didn’t have as many choices as the first one.  I resigned myself to buying the same shoes I was replacing, just this year’s version.  They seemed okay.

Walking in them seemed fine.  I ran around the track in them.  They were a little tight, but I figured that was normal since they were new.  After a few runs, I decided these shoes were not right for me.  While okay for walking, I really needed them for running.  When I ran in them, my toes felt cramped.  And part way through my run, it felt like my toes were falling asleep!  Not good.

As I had only purchased them the week before, and only wore them indoors, I took them back to the store.  They refused to take them back.  I was livid.  The lady I dealt with was rude.  When I got home, I called their customer service department and complained.  About the fact that they wouldn’t take the shoes back.  And about her.  Customer service wouldn’t do anything about it either.  That is the LAST time I shop in that store.  I contacted the manufacturer.  They wouldn’t do anything either.  I’m angry.  Partly at them and partly at myself.  I shouldn’t have bought them in the first place.

Anyway, about  a week later, I got a phone call from the store manager.  He left a message on my voice mail.  I haven’t had a chance to call him back yet.  That should be an interesting conversation when I do.

My husband was going out of town for a meeting.  Sometimes I go with him, sometimes I don’t.  I hadn’t gone the last few times he went.  But I decided to go with him this time because where he was going had a running store.  I was praying I would be able to find shoes there.

I arranged to meet with a friend who happen to live there.  And there happen to be a running store near her home.  She had never been in one before, so she was curious as to what they had there.  The lady at the store was very nice.  And she seemed to know what she was talking about.  After watching me walk, she recommended a neutral shoe.  I tried a couple different sizes on.  They fit nicely, my toes did not feel cramped at all.  The size I needed she didn’t have in stock, but she checked other stores in the city and found one that had them, and she asked them to hold them for me.  I was really excited!!

I decided to test them out at the track the next morning.  They felt good!  My toes never felt cramped.  I was even more excited!!  I tested them a few more times and decided they were perfect.

Finally I had proper running shoes!

For those wondering, they are by New Balance.  They are not crazy colours, but I’m okay with that.  The important thing is they are comfortable and my toes are no longer cramped.  I’m considering getting some crazy shoe laces for them.

And now I’m considering getting a couple more pairs as regular workout shoes and backups. Because you never know when you’ll need another pair.

My old shoes have been downgraded to everyday sneakers.  They still have some wear left in them.  They are just not good for running.  At least not for me.

That’s the thing.  Everyone’s feet are different.  What works for one person, won’t necessarily work for someone else.

And that’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned.

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Still trying to figure it all out …

I know I haven’t posted anything in a while, and I’m sorry about that.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and trying to work through some stuff.

Things are a lot harder on my own.  But I’m trying.

I’ve been feeling very alone.  I know I’m not, but the feeling is still there.

And there seems to be more roadblocks and obstacles than ever before.

I know this is just another test.  The universe just wants to see how strong I really am, how committed I am to this journey.  But sometimes I feel like I’m failing the test.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not getting anywhere, not making any progress.  Or worse, going backwards.  I haven’t struggled like this since the beginning of my journey.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not giving up.  I refuse to give up.

I’m frustrated and angry.  At myself mostly.

I don’t know why it has gotten harder.

I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time.

I’m questioning everything.  Including myself.

I’m wondering how I could come so far only to be stonewalled for as long as I have been.

I’m wondering why I can’t seem to break through the wall I’ve hit.

I’m wondering why the universe continues to test me.

I’m wondering why I can’t seem to get very far on my own.

I’m wondering if I have the strength to continue.

And on top of all this, I’ve been sick more in the last few months that I had been in all the previous year, maybe even longer.  And I don’t understand why.  I’ve had a bladder infection, a couple of migraines that have lasted for days, and a pretty severe cold! Plus I fell on the ice – twice!

Just when I think I’m getting myself back to where I need to be, something else happens.  And I don’t get why.

I really am trying.

I’m just so frustrated.  And disappointed.  In myself.

I know I’m better than this.  I’ve proved that.

I’ve come a long way.  I’ve made great strides.  I’ve overcome a lot.

And maybe that’s part of why things seem so hard right now.  Maybe that’s why the universe is testing me so much.

I’m not giving up.  I have a lot of fight in me.  Maybe my nickname should be “stubborn bitch” instead of “skinny bitch”.  I don’t feel much like a “skinny bitch” right now anyway.

I’m trying to refocus.  Look at things differently.  Shake things up.  Try new things. Make some changes.

The weather has been a big problem this winter.  I’ve wanted to get outside, but we’ve had a lot of snow and ice.  Not really good for getting outside for workouts.  Hoping the weather gets better soon.  Until then, I’m doing what I can indoors.

And I’ve asked for help. Begged really. A few people offered help, but then flaked out on me. And that just left me feeling worse than before. If they didn’t mean it, why did they offer? Why get my hopes up only to watch me crash to the ground?

So how do I get back on track?  And stay there?

How do I make working out fun and interesting again?

How do I break through the obstacles in front of me?

These are some of the things I’m still trying to figure out.

I know it sounds like I’m whining. And I kind of am.

And I know this sounds a bit negative. And I agree, it does.

But these are things that go through my head. And I find it beneficial to write about them. That is why I started this blog in the first place. Sometimes writing (or typing) these things out gets them out of my head and off my mind.

There is a lot of stuff to think about on this journey. A lot of it is good, but sometimes the negative stuff creeps up. Sometimes I get stuck in my own head. Sometimes I’m hard on myself. And that’s a good time to write about this stuff. And it usually helps.

Being on my own for the last several months has had me thinking a lot more. I am still figuring out a lot of stuff. And it will take time. But it’s all part of the journey, all part of the process.

And I need to remember that.

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Asking for help

This has been a tough one for me in the past.

I grew up very shy and very introverted.  I didn’t start coming out of my shell until I was in my 20s.  I did not ask for help often, even when I knew I needed it.  I would struggle through whatever was giving me trouble.  Although, admittedly, sometimes it was just my stubbornness that would get in the way.  And sometimes I think it was the fear of losing control that prevented me from asking for help.

But the older I get, the more I realize that there is no shame in asking for help.  In fact, it’s often the best thing to do.  And the idea of losing control over something just because you ask for help is quite simply a little ridiculous.  I wish I had learned those lessons when I was younger.

When I started this journey to a healthier me, I knew from the beginning that I would help… and lots of it!  At the beginning I did a lot of reading, watching health segments on tv, searching online for information.  It helped get me started, but I knew it wouldn’t be enough.  But of course, I didn’t really know where to find the help I needed.

Our friend Sharlene was the one who suggested we join Quinte’s Biggest Loser in 2012 when it started.  The first year, I think there was a group of 8 of us who joined.  I’m not sure how many joined the second year.  (And for the record, for some reason they are not doing it on this year).  They had nutrition classes, plus we got free passes to some of the local gyms and lots and lots of information.  Plus I met some really awesome people.  It really kicked up my journey in a big way.

And because I started going to the gym, I met other people who could help me, most important of all is Tyler.  Asking him to help me was the one of the scariest, yet best things I ever did.  His help has been priceless to me.

But I’ve met many people who’ve helped me too, whether they realize they have or not.  Sometimes, their help has just been being a friend, listening to my troubles, or cheering me on.  Sometimes they have given me ideas for my blog.  Sometimes they answer my questions or show me a better way to do something.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in the journey is never to be afraid to ask for help.  We can all use help, whether we want to admit it or not.  I’m not afraid to admit that I need the help.

And right now, I could use some help.

I need to add exercises to the ones I already have.  Ones I can do at home or outside, not just ones for the gym.  Ones where I need little or no equipment. Know a book you think might help?  Have a favourite website? Let me know! I can use all the suggestions I can get.

I need suggestions for healthy snacks and meals.  Do you have a favourite recipe? What’s your go-to snack?

I need help with motivation and inspiration.  Do you have a favourite quote that helps you? Maybe a favourite celebrity or fitness guru? Any tips or tricks you like to use to keep yourself going when you struggle?

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Progress report

Okay, I know it’s been awhile since I posted anything. Well, I’ve posted a few stories about my community, but nothing really about my journey. I think that’s partly because I haven’t felt like I’ve had anything to really share, and partly because I’m not really happy with my progress lately.

It’s hard doing all this on my own. Harder than I realized it would be. I’m trying. I’m really trying. But I don’t feel like I’m really getting anywhere.

I’ve put my strength training on hold for awhile. It was going well. I mean really well. Perhaps too well. I felt like my cardio was suffering. I felt like I was giving too much precedence to the strength training. So I put a halt to it to concentrate on cardio. Once I get my cardio back to what I think is acceptable, then I’ll add the strength training back in.

For a while when the weather was nice, I was opting to do my cardio outside. We had some beautiful fall weather so it was nice walking outside. When the weather wasn’t so good, I used the indoor track at our local sports centre. But I still didn’t feel like I was making progress, so I signed up to do a 5k for a local charity.  It was cold and rainy on race day, but I was still out there.  And I did better than I thought I would.  I was pretty proud of myself.

In the summer, I strained the arch on my right foot.  Not pleasant.  I had to stop jogging.  I had to stop using the treadmill and the elliptical and the stair stepper.  The only cardio machine I could use was the AMT.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good hard workout.  But after a while, I was getting bored.  And maybe that’s why my cardio started to suffer a bit in favour of strength training.  Or at least part of the reason.

Anyway, after getting custom orthotics for my shoes, my foot started feeling better.  It’s now at a point were it feels almost normal again.  So I figured it was okay to start jogging again.  But I don’t want to injure myself again, so I’m taking it slow.  Building up the length of time I’m jogging before I build up speed.  Seems to be going well so far.

But I still feel like something is missing.  I don’t know what it is.  Some days I feel lost.  I’m trying my best.  I really am.  I hope I’m making progress.  But I don’t know.  When I look in the mirror, I don’t look any different.  The scale is still stuck.  I’m trying not to focus on that, but it’s hard not to think about it.  There are days when I just don’t want to get out of bed.  But I do.  I force myself to go to the gym, or if the weather is good, go for a walk.  Or maybe go to the sports centre and use the track.

Maybe I need to branch out, try different things.  Maybe finally use the pool at the sports centre.  Maybe take a class like yoga.  Maybe I need a new environment to workout in.  I don’t know.

I just wish I felt like I was making better progress.  I wish I felt like I was okay.  I’m hoping this is just a phase, just a funk that I’m in.  I’m hoping it will pass soon.  I don’t like feeling like this.  I’m not giving up, but some days I feel like I’m on the edge.

This is just a phase.

This will pass.

I will be okay.

I will keep going.

I won’t give up.

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A letter to myself …

Dear self,

I know you’re still struggling.  I know it’s hard.  But please don’t give up.  You’ve come a long way and you’re doing an amazing job.

The last few months have been difficult for us, a lot has changed.  But that’s no reason to give up.  It’s just another test of your strength, your resolve.  The fact that you are still at it proves you are strong.  There are some out there that would just love to see you fail.  Don’t give them the satisfaction!  Keep proving all those haters wrong.

I know you’re stressed out about the number on the scale.  Just remember that that number doesn’t tell the whole story.  Remember you are building muscle as you are losing weight.  I know it’s hard, but try not to focus on the scale.  Just keep at it.

I know it’s not easy working out alone.  I know it’s sometimes hard to push yourself beyond what you think your limits are.  But remember that just because no one is right there, doesn’t mean you are alone.  You have a great support system.  It’s okay to lean on them, talk to them about your struggles, ask them for help.  They all want to see you succeed.

We knew from the beginning that this journey would not be easy.  But we also knew it would be worth it.  You’re doing a great job.  I’m very proud of you.  Just keep at it.  Keep doing the best you can.  I believe in you.  I know you can it.

Love,

Me

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Frustration!

Not the best way to start a new month.

While my workouts are going good for the most part, the issue with my foot is causing some major frustration. I really hope it will get better soon. I don’t know what I did or how I did it. As my doctor advised, I bought inserts for my shoes. And I’ve slowed down my cardio. But it doesn’t seem to be getting better. Some days it seems fine, and other days I can barely do anything. Some days I think it’s fine, until I do something and it starts hurting again. And I don’t even know what I’m doing!! This is why I’m so frustrated about it! If I knew what I was doing, I could make adjustments. I called my doctor again, and he advised me to visit a specialty store for orthotics for my shoes. I hope that does the trick. It may take a few days. But I’m okay with that as long as it works. I need to be back on track with my cardio.

On top of the issue with my foot, there is the frustration of STILL being on this damn plateau! I’ve been fluctuating between the same 5 pounds since April! I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m working out hard. I’m controlling my caloric intake. I’m burning more calories than I’m consuming. But the scale won’t move any lower. I’m almost at my wits end about it. I just don’t know what else I could be doing. I realize I’m building muscle. And I know muscle weighs more. I know I’m losing inches as well because my clothes are fitting different. But the scale should still be moving and it’s not!! I’m beyond frustrated. I just don’t know what else I should be doing. I just want off this plateau. I want to keep moving in the right direction. I’m not giving up. But some days it takes everything I have not to.

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Being on a plateau

Anyone who’s been on a weight loss journey knows that plateaus happen. And they know that being on one sucks.

For me, it’s a time when I really being to doubt myself. I try and try and try, but the scale doesn’t seem to want to move. I try to remember that it’s only temporary. I try to remind myself that I’m building muscle as I’m losing weight, and as long as I’m still losing inches, it’s okay. But some days it’s hard. Some days I just want to give up, throw in the towel.

I’ve been on a plateau now for about 3 months. And I hate it. I’m so frustrated some days. I’m not giving up, but it’s hard. There are days that I really struggle. But I’m doing my best to hold on. I have promises to keep. I intend to keep fighting until I win the war.

I’m pushing myself as hard as I can. A little too hard in the case of my cardio as it turns out. At the beginning of July, I amped up my cardio. I started walking a lot faster on the treadmill, and trying to increase my jogging speed and time. Well last week my right foot seemed to decide enough was enough. I started having pains in my arch. It seemed to be fine all day, even through my strength training, until about 30 minutes into my cardio when the pains would start. I happen to already have a doctor appointment scheduled, so I talked to him about it while I was there. He thinks I’m forcing it too much, that I need to slow down. Short burst of speed are fine, but extended periods are putting too much pressure on my arch. He suggested I get arch supports for my shoes and to slow down. And to let him know if it gets worse.

While I’m happy it doesn’t seem to be too bad, I’m disappointed in myself. I should have known better. I know that I can’t go from 0 to 60 like a car. I need to build up to faster and longer speeds. I need to stop being in such a hurry to get to the finish line. I’m anxious to get off this plateau, to move to the next level. But I need to do it safely. I need to stop looking for the quick fix. I need to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. As Tyler always tells me, “slow and steady wins the race.”

This plateau won’t last forever. Soon the scale will start to go down again. I just need to stay calm and train on. I need to keep eating as clean as I can. I need to continue my daily workouts. I need to continue to believe in myself. And if I have a bad day, I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and try again.

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Control – me vs. food

We all like to be in control over different aspects of our lives. There are things we can easily control, some we can control some of the time, and others that we cannot control at all. Food should be one of those things we can easily control. The problem is lately I feel like food is controlling me. And I don’t like it.

Lately I feel like I’m always wanting to eat. I’m trying to be good. I’m trying to eat healthy. But it’s hard. Harder than it should be, harder than it used to be. It’s not that I’m necessarily hungry, I just seemed to always want to eat. I don’t know why. And I’m giving in way more than I should. And I don’t know why.

I’ve been keeping a food journal for over a year. I write down everything I eat and when. And more often than not, I include the calories. I know I should always include the calories, but I don’t always know what they are so I can’t include them. If I don’t know or can’t find out the calories, I probably shouldn’t be eating it, but I do anyway. So why am I over doing it? Why am I eating more than I should? Why am I eating things I know I shouldn’t? I don’t know. I truly don’t.

I find myself reaching for snack after snack. Some of them are healthy snacks, some are not. But regardless, I shouldn’t be snacking as much as I am. I don’t know why I seem to want to eat all the time. Something is going on. I just wish I knew what it is.

Like I said, I feel like food is controlling me instead of me controlling it. I know it all has to do with this slump I’m in. The feeling that I’ve lost or at least misplaced my motivation and drive. But what I don’t know is why or how to get it back. I’m trying, though. With everything I have. I don’t want to lose this fight. Although there are times when I fear I might. I’ve been sharing my struggles with my friends. They seem to understand and are trying to help me through it. And that’s the main reason for doing it. I know I need their help.

I’m frustrated and angry with myself. I know I can do better. I know what I need to do. I know how to control my food, at least for the most part. So why am I struggling with it? Why am I letting food control me? How do I take back that control?

I don’t have the answers to those questions. At least not yet. But I’m trying. I’m not giving up. I’ll figure it out. I’ll get back to where I need to be. I just hope it’s soon.

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