My journey to a healthier me

Tales of my life

“Win the day” part 2

This is a followup to the post I did last month, which you can read here:

My two biggest goals right now are: getting to my goal weight, and completing a half marathon.

Getting to my goal weight I know will take time.  I’m getting there slowly but surely.   While sometimes it does scare me, it doesn’t terrify me.  What scares me about that goal is how far away I am from it.  I’ve come a long way, but I still have a long way to go.

With this goal, I win the day by eating properly and exercising daily.  I win the day each time I step on the scale and see a lower number than the time before.  I win the day each time my clothes fit looser or I need to buy a smaller size.  I win the day with each new thing I do, each goal I accomplish.

But completing a half marathon does terrify me.

Especially since I have that goal set for 2015.

A half marathon has been on my bucket list for a while.  And I had been thinking I was at least a couple of years away from doing it.  But friends convinced me to move it up to next year.  I already have the race picked out that I want to do, although I’m not officially registered for it yet.  It’s a local race, which is important to me.  I also picked this particular race, in part, because it’s not until October of 2015.  Which, in theory, gives me plenty of time to train for it.

A half marathon is 13.1 miles (or 21.1 kilometres).  That’s a lot!  What terrifies me most about it is I’ve never even walked that distance, much less run it!  My longest walk is about 12 kms (which is just under 7.5 miles); and my longest run is 10 kms (6.2 miles).

When I first decided I would do this, I got scared.  Really scared.  I was worried I couldn’t do it.  I was worried I was just kidding myself, that it was a near-impossible goal.  I could hear that little voice in my head calling me crazy for even thinking about it.

It took me a couple of weeks to stop thinking that way.  I told myself that it IS doable, it’s not impossible.  I told myself to do what I did with other goals I’ve accomplished — break it down into smaller goals; don’t necessarily focus on the big goal.  Okay, so maybe right now I can’t run or walk 21.1 kms. But that doesn’t mean I’ll never be able to.

So I changed how I thought about it, and broke it down into more manageable goals.

The end goal remains the same — cross the finish line after running/walking 21.1 kms.

The end date remains the same — October 2015.

And while those things are always in the back of my mind, they are not currently my main focus.

My main focus now is building up my endurance to eventually be able to go that far.  So each month, I set a goal of how many kms I want to hit.  And I will increase that each month until I get to where I want to be.  But then I broke it down even further.  I have weekly goals and daily goals.  Much of the summer, I was doing 5km a day, at least 3 days a week.  When I decided to do the half marathon, my trainer had me up it to 8km a day, 5 days a week.  And that seemed like a lot before I started it.  And now that I’m pretty much used to doing that, I’ll increase it again.  Do I run all the time? No, but I do the best I can.  Sometimes I have to walk.  But what is important is getting the kms in.

Over the winter, it might be a little tougher to get my kms in outdoors.  This will be the first year I will try running outside in the cold.  It might take me a while to get used to that.  So I might have to do a few short runs outside before I can start doing longer ones.  But I’m lucky enough to live near an indoor track, so I can always go there.  And I can always hit the gym for time on the treadmill.  Either way, I’m determined to keep my training going.  Because October 2015 may seem far away now, but time tends to fly by when you’re not looking.

I will also continue with my strength training.  I do as much as can with little to no equipment.  But honestly, I’m looking forward to getting back into a regular gym again.  Hopefully soon.

I’m also looking forward to trying new things in the new year to mix things up and keep myself from getting bored.  I’m hoping to try yoga and maybe even tai chi.

And, of course, I will continue eating as clean as I can.  When I eat good food, I feel good.  When I eat crap, I feel like crap.  And I want to try new foods or revisit ones I think I don’t like.  I started doing that this year, and have really been enjoying it.

All of these things will not only help get me to my half marathon goal, they will also help get me to my goal weight.

Each day, I get up and do the best I can to accomplish what ever goals I’m working towards.

And in the end, that’s how I win the day.

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Being on a plateau

Anyone who’s been on a weight loss journey knows that plateaus happen. And they know that being on one sucks.

For me, it’s a time when I really being to doubt myself. I try and try and try, but the scale doesn’t seem to want to move. I try to remember that it’s only temporary. I try to remind myself that I’m building muscle as I’m losing weight, and as long as I’m still losing inches, it’s okay. But some days it’s hard. Some days I just want to give up, throw in the towel.

I’ve been on a plateau now for about 3 months. And I hate it. I’m so frustrated some days. I’m not giving up, but it’s hard. There are days that I really struggle. But I’m doing my best to hold on. I have promises to keep. I intend to keep fighting until I win the war.

I’m pushing myself as hard as I can. A little too hard in the case of my cardio as it turns out. At the beginning of July, I amped up my cardio. I started walking a lot faster on the treadmill, and trying to increase my jogging speed and time. Well last week my right foot seemed to decide enough was enough. I started having pains in my arch. It seemed to be fine all day, even through my strength training, until about 30 minutes into my cardio when the pains would start. I happen to already have a doctor appointment scheduled, so I talked to him about it while I was there. He thinks I’m forcing it too much, that I need to slow down. Short burst of speed are fine, but extended periods are putting too much pressure on my arch. He suggested I get arch supports for my shoes and to slow down. And to let him know if it gets worse.

While I’m happy it doesn’t seem to be too bad, I’m disappointed in myself. I should have known better. I know that I can’t go from 0 to 60 like a car. I need to build up to faster and longer speeds. I need to stop being in such a hurry to get to the finish line. I’m anxious to get off this plateau, to move to the next level. But I need to do it safely. I need to stop looking for the quick fix. I need to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. As Tyler always tells me, “slow and steady wins the race.”

This plateau won’t last forever. Soon the scale will start to go down again. I just need to stay calm and train on. I need to keep eating as clean as I can. I need to continue my daily workouts. I need to continue to believe in myself. And if I have a bad day, I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and try again.

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Control – me vs. food

We all like to be in control over different aspects of our lives. There are things we can easily control, some we can control some of the time, and others that we cannot control at all. Food should be one of those things we can easily control. The problem is lately I feel like food is controlling me. And I don’t like it.

Lately I feel like I’m always wanting to eat. I’m trying to be good. I’m trying to eat healthy. But it’s hard. Harder than it should be, harder than it used to be. It’s not that I’m necessarily hungry, I just seemed to always want to eat. I don’t know why. And I’m giving in way more than I should. And I don’t know why.

I’ve been keeping a food journal for over a year. I write down everything I eat and when. And more often than not, I include the calories. I know I should always include the calories, but I don’t always know what they are so I can’t include them. If I don’t know or can’t find out the calories, I probably shouldn’t be eating it, but I do anyway. So why am I over doing it? Why am I eating more than I should? Why am I eating things I know I shouldn’t? I don’t know. I truly don’t.

I find myself reaching for snack after snack. Some of them are healthy snacks, some are not. But regardless, I shouldn’t be snacking as much as I am. I don’t know why I seem to want to eat all the time. Something is going on. I just wish I knew what it is.

Like I said, I feel like food is controlling me instead of me controlling it. I know it all has to do with this slump I’m in. The feeling that I’ve lost or at least misplaced my motivation and drive. But what I don’t know is why or how to get it back. I’m trying, though. With everything I have. I don’t want to lose this fight. Although there are times when I fear I might. I’ve been sharing my struggles with my friends. They seem to understand and are trying to help me through it. And that’s the main reason for doing it. I know I need their help.

I’m frustrated and angry with myself. I know I can do better. I know what I need to do. I know how to control my food, at least for the most part. So why am I struggling with it? Why am I letting food control me? How do I take back that control?

I don’t have the answers to those questions. At least not yet. But I’m trying. I’m not giving up. I’ll figure it out. I’ll get back to where I need to be. I just hope it’s soon.

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Still struggling

Why? I don’t understand it. I’m still fighting with myself over everything — workouts, motivation, food. It’s out of control. And I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to get back on track. I know what I need to do. I know what not to eat. So why am I having such a hard time??? To make matters worse, I feel like I’m letting my supporters down because I’m not doing what I should be. I feel like some of them may be disappointed in me. And that hurts. But what can I expect? I’m just making excuse after excuse lately. I’m eating things I shouldn’t. I’m not pushing myself as hard as I know I can. Everything seems so much harder than it should be. I’m better than this. I know that. I know I can push through the aches and sore muscles. I know how to eat clean. But just because I know it, doesn’t mean I’m applying it. I’m making excuses. And I’m being lazy. I’m disappointed in myself, so I wouldn’t be surprised to find out others are disappointed too. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn some are ready to give up on me. Maybe they think I’ve given up on myself. I haven’t. I really haven’t. I’m just struggling. And I don’t know how to get out of it. I’m trying. Really I am. There are times I just want to sit in a corner and cry. I don’t know what’s wrong. How can I fix it if I don’t know what’s wrong?? It’s taking just about everything I have to get myself to the gym. That leaves very little to push myself through my workouts. I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. I see someone on the brink of failure, the edge of giving up. And I’m fighting with her. I’m fighting hard to stay in the game. But I’m worried. I’m afraid I’m losing to her. And it scares me. I need help. I need someone to say its okay, to help me find the drive I once had, to help me defeat that girl that wants to give up.

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Biggest fears

I’m a fairly recent fan of the show The Biggest Loser. The current season is only the second full season I’ve watched, although I’ve seen a tiny bit of a couple of other seasons. Anyway, this week’s episode was about facing your fears. I thought it was a really good episode since I have issues with that myself. Each contestant must face and conquer something that terrifies them. I don’t know if I could have done as well as they did. But the episode did get me to think about what some of my biggest fears are.

I’ve written about fears before. But really I just scratched the surface. Maybe I wasn’t ready to face them then. I’m not sure I’m really ready now, but I’m going to write about them anyway.

So what am I afraid of?

I’m afraid of failing. I think that has to number one. I’m afraid that even with all my hard work, I will fail in my journey to be a healthier person.

I’m afraid of falling back into old habits. For years, decades really, I lived an unhealthy life. I ate poorly and spend an insane amount of time sitting on the couch, watching television. I don’t even know how I called that “living”. And now that I’m working on correcting that, I’m worried that I will go back to my old ways.

I’m afraid of disappointing my supporters. I have a lot of people cheering me on and I would hate to do something to make them disappointed in me. I don’t want them to think I’m giving up on myself. I don’t want them to give up on me.

I’m afraid of having to do this all on my own – I’m afraid of losing Tyler. We’ve been working together almost a year now, and in that time I’ve made huge strides. I’ve done things I’d never thought I’d be able to do, or at least not this soon. I’m leaps and bounds ahead of where I thought I’d be on my own. I got really lucky when I found him. He’s taught me so much. I know that it’s me doing the work, but he’s right there helping me, lending me some confidence when I can’t find my own, and believing in me like no one ever has before.

So if I’m afraid of all these things, how do I keep going? How do I get out of bed each day and head to the gym? How do I continue to make healthy food choices? How do I not give up?

I try to remember that every little bit counts.
I try to remember to strive for progress, not perfection.
I try to remember that I’m not perfect and that’s okay.
I try to remember that it’s okay to have a bad day now and then.
I try not to let my fears rule my life.

And when I do fall, I get back up, dust myself off, and try again.
And if I can’t, I have a lot of people around me who will help me up.

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Dark days

I’m discovering more and more that this journey is not just about losing weight. There is another equally important part to it that most people don’t realize. It’s the emotional/mental part of the journey. When you are used to using food as a comfort, or if you are an emotional or stress eater, you have to find new ways of dealing with all those emotions and stresses that you used to use food to deal with. And that’s not easy. There are good days and bad days. And what works once, may not work the next time. The longer the journey lasts, the more stuff you have to learn to deal with. If you are very lucky, you will have the support of family and friends to help you along. But sometimes even that isn’t enough. Sometimes there are dark days. And the dark days can be crippling. I should know. I’ve had quite a few. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed. There are days when I just want to cry, and I can’t always tell you why. I want to know, I want to break through, but sometimes it’s difficult. Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck, stuck in my head and I can’t find the way out. I question everything, especially myself. I hate days like that. They are less frequent than they used to be, but they still happen. Sometimes they end quickly; sometimes they last awhile. Sometimes I can feel them coming on; sometimes they seem to come out of nowhere. Sometimes the support of a friend brings me out; sometimes I have to find my own way out. I have noticed that, sometimes the longer the dark days last, the more I’m afraid, although I don’t always recognize it until it’s over. So what do I have to be afraid of? I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of losing my support system. I’m afraid of waking up one day to discover that I’ve dreamed the last 10 months. I’m afraid that I will do something that will cause my biggest supporters to give up on me. And I’m sure a lot of this doesn’t make much sense to most people. But if you are someone like me who has not always had people in their corner, who support them no matter what, you will understand. To have someone in your life who is willing to help you no matter what and won’t give up on you, is one of the greatest things in life. Everyone needs someone like that. Everyone deserves someone like that. I’m lucky in that I have a few like that. But there is still that fear that they will one day disappear, that they will get tired of my dark days and leave, that they will be frustrated, or that I will make them angry. When I’m having dark days, I think about those things. Thankfully, when I’m having good days, I don’t. Okay, I do my best not to think about them. I hope the day never comes that I need to face one of those fears. I hope one day I can let myself be happy every day. I hope one day I won’t need to remind myself that those people aren’t going to give up, that they are in this for the long haul with me. I’m working on that. I really am. Until then, I will just take it one day at a time.

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Conquering Fear

Everyone has fears. If someone says they don’t, they are lying … either to you or to themselves or both. I’ve written about fear before. This post is different. This post is about conquering fear.

One of my biggest fear is heights. To go along with the fear of heights, is the fear of bridges. If I’m driving over a bridge and I’m up high, I can feel myself wanting to panic. It’s worse if I can see straight down to whatever is below, usually water. If I can only see out across the water, it’s not so bad. If the bridge isn’t up high, it doesn’t seem to bother me as much. I’ve been able to walk over short, low bridges, although that did take some doing. I felt like I could fly the first time I did it. So now that I can do that, what do I do next? How do I continue to work on my fear of heights and bridges? That’s easy — find a taller, longer bridge.

Lucky for me, there happens to be one right here in my little town. Just looking at it terrifies me. I’ve driven over it many times. It’s pretty high. I used to think people who walked over it were a little bat-shit crazy (to borrow a phrase from a friend, thank you Nick). So why am I going to do it if it scares me so bad? To prove that I can. To prove that I can conquer my fear. To make Tyler proud. To make myself proud.

When Tyler first suggested we walk the bridge, I thought there is no way I could do it. It was just insane! I thought he was bat-shit crazy for even suggesting it. But somehow he got into my head and soon I was thinking that maybe I can do it. I still think it’s a little crazy, but I’m going to do it.

(The above paragraphs were written days before we actually walked the bridge. They are the thoughts and feelings I had after deciding that I would do it. I had been a bit nervous and anxious and still a little scared about it. But none of that was going to change my mind. I had decided to walk the bridge and nothing, not even my own fear, was going to stop me from doing it.)

So after much debate as to when, we decided it would be today, August 21, 2012. At first it was just going to be me and Tyler. But then he asked if his mom could join us. I had only met his mom once before but immediately liked her, so without hesitation I said yes, she could join us. It would a milestone for her as well.

When I woke up this morning, I felt a calm inside me. No longer was I terrified about what I was going to do today. I knew it would be alright. I knew it would be a good day. Part of me still wanted to be terrified, but I knew I couldn’t be. I showered, dressed, and made my way downstairs. I made breakfast, a smoothie as usual. And made extra for Tyler and Joe. I killed time on my computer, straightened up the kitchen, and put a few things in a bag I was taking with me today. Then I waited. Waited for Tyler to let me know they were on the way to get me. I was not nervous as I thought I’d be. When they arrived, I could barely contain my excitement, although I tried to hide it as best I could. I helped navigate the way to the bridge. There is a parking lot near the base of it. After parking the car and getting out, I stood and stared at the bridge. I was not terrified of what I was about to do, which surprised me a little. A part of me was a little scared, never having done anything like this before, but the greater part of me was calm and knew it would be fine. Having Tyler there, I’m sure, was a big part of that.

So we start walking towards the bridge. There is a walking path along one side. So we begin our walk. Tyler has an app on his phone to tell us how far we will end up walking and how long it will take us, so he turned it on. The incline feels steep. My legs begin to hurt a little from my workout yesterday. But only a little. I can feel my heartbeat go a little faster. I try to calm it down. I don’t feel the panic I expected. It’s a beautiful day and the view is fantastic. Most of the way, I’m looking down at the water. Even as we walk higher, I don’t take my eyes off the water for too long. Occasionally, I can feel the bridge shake as a giant truck drives over it. There seems to be quite a bit of traffic, but I try to block it out. We reach the top and stop. I put my hands on the railing and gradually force myself to look straight down to the water, not just across it. When I did, I realized I was not scared of it as I thought I would be. And I look up and out across the water. It really is a beautiful day. We continue walking to the far end. When we reach the end, there are high-fives and smiles. Distance .72 miles; time 26 minutes. Not too bad, better time than i thought. We stand there for a few minutes, catching our breath and chatting. Then we begin the walk again. Again I can feel my legs hurt a little, but I do my best to ignore them. Again we reach the top and stop and take in the view. Again we continue back to where we started. And before I know it, we are at the end. I did it. I walked over the bridge and back. I conquered my fear and I feel good. I felt so much pride in myself at that moment. I could feel myself smiling, and not just on the outside.

Never before would I have attempted it. Never before would I have even thought I could do it. Never before I met Tyler. I’ve said it before, to him and to others and in this blog, that his unwavering belief in me, belief that I can do things I never thought possible makes me believe that I can do anything. And I’ve done so much thanks to him. I am forever grateful for him, his support, his friendship. He has done more for me than I can even say. He has helped me find a life I never knew I could have, a life I never knew I could live. And that means more to me than I can ever say. So I will only say thank you and hope it is enough and hope he knows how much more I wish I could say. So, thank you, Tyler, for everything so far and for everything yet to come.

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Good news, Bad news

Okay, Bad news first. My gym closed. They had been struggling for a while, but tried to keep things going. They just couldn’t do it any more. And I’m sad. Sad for everyone really. Sad for those that owned it, sad for those that worked there, sad for those who enjoyed working out there, sad for myself. I felt like I found a home there. I really enjoyed going there. I met some really nice people, some of whom I now call friends. I’m going to miss them all. I’m going to miss my classes. As weird as it sounds, I’m going to miss the equipment, even those that I struggled with. I’m going to miss the stairs Tyler made me run up. I’m going to miss the bosu balls I never got the hang of. I’m going to miss the stupid box Tyler made me do step-ups on. I’m going to miss it all. On the last day, I walked through the gym, remembering and saying goodbye. I was terrified when I first heard it was closing. Terrified I wouldn’t find another place I liked. Terrified I would lose Tyler. Terrified I would lose my momentum. But now I think I’m okay, I’ve made my peace with it closing. Time to move on.

So what’s the Good news?

First bit of good news is that I’m not losing Tyler. When he first told me about the gym closing, I was terrified. I was so afraid of what happen if I didn’t have him to help me. I could feel myself starting to panic. But he reassured me that I would not lose him. And that was the only thing that kept me from completely freaking out. So we are still going to train together. We’re just going to be switching things up, looking for new ways to work out, new ways to push me. And I think that’s a good thing. Maybe that’s what my workout routine needs, to be shaken up. Maybe I was becoming too comfortable with the way things were. Time for a change.

Second bit of good news is Tyler has already found us a new place to workout. This was my other big worry. Where would we go? What would we do? I know we could do some stuff outside, but what about those days it’s too hot? Or it’s raining? What about what if we didn’t find a place before winter? So many things went through my mind. But Tyler kept telling me it would be okay. He would find something for us. He told me to trust him. And I do. And he did.

Things are going to be different now, but it’s okay. Will this affect my momentum? Hopefully not. As Tyler told me, it’s not the end of the story, just the start of a new chapter. Look for a blog entry soon about my new workout place.

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I think I can, I think I can …

This is a tough one for me. It’s knowing deep down that you can do something. It’s being self-assured. It’s about confidence. I’ve written about it before. It’s something I’ve struggled with since I was young.

In the past few months I’ve gotten better at it, but there are times I still struggle. There are days where I feel like I could climb a mountain. And there are days where I don’t feel like I can even put on the boots.

Some days it seems easy. I get through my workout without a problem and I’m not feeling that sore. And then there are those other days. Days like this past Friday. Days where it seems to take every bit of energy I have to get it done. When I started going to the gym 5 days a week, I knew it was going to be a challenge for me. But I made a commitment to myself to go and I’m doing my best. Some days my body is sore and I’m feeling tired and I don’t know if I can get it done, but somehow I do.

I worked hard Thursday. Really hard. And I think I did really well for the most part. I was feeling the aches long before I left the gym. And I was still feeling them Friday morning. But I still got up, still went to the gym, determined to do the best I could. But I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to do it. Friday was only cardio and 1 class. I’m trying to do 1-2 hours of cardio a day. Not always easy. When I got on the treadmill Friday morning, I was hurting. I thought there was no way I could be able to get even 1 hour in. I was cursing myself for working so hard Thursday, pushing myself past my limits. My whole body was just hurting. Even my normal treadmill music wasn’t helping. I had to stop at 20 minutes. It just hurt too much. Those doubting voices were in my head. Those voices I try so hard not to listen to. They were screaming. Hard to ignore. I was kicking myself for working so hard last week. I sat down to rest, had lots of time before class. I put on some music and tried to relax, tried not to listen to the voices in my head, tried to ignore my sore muscles.

Tyler came in, I turned off the music, we chatted for a while before class. I was worried I wouldn’t even be able to get through class. We started class. Only 4 of us. I pushed myself to get through it. Not easy, but I did it. I thought about just calling it a day. Tyler asked me if I was going to do some cardio. I told him I didn’t know. He asked if I just didn’t want to. I said it’s not that I didn’t want to, it’s that I wasn’t sure I had the strength to. He told me that I do have the strength. He said “you can do it. I know you can”. I told him “I’m glad one of us is confident that I can”, and I laughed. He said “only one of us needs to”. I thought that was good. Really good. So I headed to the treadmill determined to do it, determined not to let him down. It was hard to even climb the stairs. But there I was on the treadmill, trying hard to do 45 minutes. I was going slow, just trying to get it done. I turned on my treadmill music. That helped. I was alone most of the time. It hurt, but I kept going. Tried not to watch the time. Just listened to the music and sang along when I knew the words. Time seemed to go slowly at first. I tried not to think of my sore muscles. I kept going. Checked the time now and then … 20 minutes, OMG that seemed to take forever … Keep going, you can do it … 30 minutes … 43 minutes … Almost there … Keep going … Try for an hour … Not that much longer. Not sure where that voice was coming from. But it kept me going. Then 53 minutes … Muscles are still aching, but I don’t want to stop now … Almost there. Finally, 60 minutes. There’s the voice again … It’s okay, you can stop now. I was tired and sweating and aching all over. I made it down to the locker room, grabbed my stuff and headed out to catch the bus home.

When I finally get home I sent Tyler a text … “Hey Tyler, just wanted to let you know I somehow managed to get in an hour on the treadmill after you left”. He texts back … “Good job!! I don’t know how you do it some days”. I reply … “me either. But your confidence in me really helps”. I don’t know if he realizes just how much of an impact that has on me. Just knowing that someone believes in me when I’m not sure I believe in myself. He thinks I can do it, and that makes me think that maybe I can too. I don’t know if he ever has doubts about me. If he does, he doesn’t say them to me. He always seems to believe I can do it. That belief, that confidence is contagious. Everyone needs someone in their corner like that. Some days that’s what gets me through.

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Fears

A friend and I were talking about fears the other day. I think everyone is afraid of something, whether it’s big or small. Some people don’t like to talk about their fears, some people do. Personally I’m horribly afraid of spiders and snakes. I also have a slight fear of heights. Those fears I don’t mind talking about, and I consider them relatively small (even if I panic sometimes when I see a spider). I have some big fears as well, but rarely talk about them except with very close friends.

At this point you might be asking what does fear have to do with my journey. Well, it has a lot to do with it actually. I started this journey to a healthier me when I was diagnosed with cancer. And one of my biggest fears is the cancer returning. I know I have a very small chance of reoccurrence, but the chance exists and that scares me. Actually it terrifies me. I wear a LiveStrong bracelet to help remind me of why I started this journey to begin with and to help give me the strength to push through when I feel like giving up.

There is also the fear of disappointment. Now this one is a two-parter. First there is the fear of disappointing others. There are a lot of people who are supporting me and encouraging me and I don’t want to let them down. I want to show them that I can do it. And secondly, and more importantly, there is the fear of disappointing myself. I don’t want to let myself down. I want to prove to myself that I can do it; that I can be a stronger and healthier person; that I can finish something I started.

So how do I deal with these fears without getting crushed by them? Good question. A couple of weeks ago I’m not sure I could have answered that. But now I think I can. I think they key to it is to acknowledge that they exist. It’s okay to be afraid, but try your best to look forward, to look for the good things in life, to be as positive as you can. It is not easy, and everyone has their bad days. But the key is to have more good days than bad ones. It takes practice. You can’t expect to be perfect. No one is perfect. And that’s perfectly okay. When I was having my recent struggles, Tyler recommended I read a book called The Gifts of Imperfection. Its amazing. Life changing I would say. I would recommend it to anyone. It really makes you think. I can hardly wait to read it again! I think just about everyone could benefit by the advice given in it.

So that’s it. I know I have these fears. And sometimes I have to deal with them on a daily basis, but I’m doing my best not to let them overwhelm me. And I think I get better at that each day. I know I still may have bad days, but that’s okay. I just do the best I can and try not to be too hard on myself. I know this is a long journey. And it’s going to be hard. I know I’m not there yet, but I’m closer than I was yesterday. And it will all be worth it in the end.

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