My journey to a healthier me

Tales of my life

Sometimes I feel like a duck

on July 19, 2017

You know how it’s said that a duck looks calm on the surface, just gliding along the water, but underneath they are paddling like crazy? There are days I feel like that.

I do my best to stay positive, have a positive attitude, keep a smile on my face, but some days it’s effing hard!

I struggle. A lot. More than I want to readily admit.

I struggle with feeling like I belong.

I struggle with body image.

I struggle with feeling alone.

I struggle with feeling left out.

I struggle with not feeling like I’m good enough.

There are days that it takes everything I’ve got to get through the day. I’m smiling on the outside, but I’m paddling like crazy to stay afloat.

I’ve been overweight almost my entire life, so it should be no surprise that I have body image issues.  I’ve been judged and criticized and made fun of much of my life, which makes me feel very self-conscience around people, especially people I don’t know. I’ve gotten better about it in the last several years, but it still happens. Those feelings are still there.

I joined a new gym recently. I’m excited about it too. I have missed not being in one for the last couple of years. It will take me a while to get used to working out again, and I’m okay with that. So far, everyone there has been really nice and super friendly. But I still feel self-conscience about being there. Sometimes I feel like I just don’t belong or that people are secretly judging me, either for how I look or for how I’m working out. It’s crazy, I know. And I try not to feel like that, but I still do.  The other day I was on the treadmill with no one on either side of me. Then a lady got on next to me. I’m slow, and I fully own that. But with this lady next to me, I suddenly felt like I didn’t belong there, like maybe she was judging me for going so slow. I’m sure she wasn’t paying any attention to me, but in that moment, that’s how I felt.

I can’t do a lot of things other people at the gym can do. And I’m sure I could use some help with my form sometimes. But I do what I can.   When I was working with Tyler, he taught me a lot. And that’s where I’m starting now, with the things he taught me. I’m not at the level I was a couple of years ago, but I know with time, I’ll get back there. I sometimes wonder what people think when they see me there. Maybe they don’t notice me. Maybe they don’t care. Maybe they think I’m ridiculous. Maybe they are secretly cheering for me. These are things that sometimes go through my head.

I spend a lot of time alone. Probably too much. Sometimes I need to be alone to recharge. But other times I desperately want to be around people I know, people I care about. The problem is many of those people don’t live anywhere close. My family is in Missouri, Delaware, Florida, and Ohio; my best friend is in Arizona; other friends are scattered around the US and Canada.  I do have a few friends that live near me, but they are busy with their own lives and we rarely get to see each other.

These are some of the things I struggle with.

Some days I do just fine. I’m just gliding along the water.

Other days, I’m like that duck, paddling like mad just below the surface.


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