My journey to a healthier me

Tales of my life

Still trying to figure it all out …

on February 23, 2014

I know I haven’t posted anything in a while, and I’m sorry about that.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and trying to work through some stuff.

Things are a lot harder on my own.  But I’m trying.

I’ve been feeling very alone.  I know I’m not, but the feeling is still there.

And there seems to be more roadblocks and obstacles than ever before.

I know this is just another test.  The universe just wants to see how strong I really am, how committed I am to this journey.  But sometimes I feel like I’m failing the test.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not getting anywhere, not making any progress.  Or worse, going backwards.  I haven’t struggled like this since the beginning of my journey.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not giving up.  I refuse to give up.

I’m frustrated and angry.  At myself mostly.

I don’t know why it has gotten harder.

I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time.

I’m questioning everything.  Including myself.

I’m wondering how I could come so far only to be stonewalled for as long as I have been.

I’m wondering why I can’t seem to break through the wall I’ve hit.

I’m wondering why the universe continues to test me.

I’m wondering why I can’t seem to get very far on my own.

I’m wondering if I have the strength to continue.

And on top of all this, I’ve been sick more in the last few months that I had been in all the previous year, maybe even longer.  And I don’t understand why.  I’ve had a bladder infection, a couple of migraines that have lasted for days, and a pretty severe cold! Plus I fell on the ice – twice!

Just when I think I’m getting myself back to where I need to be, something else happens.  And I don’t get why.

I really am trying.

I’m just so frustrated.  And disappointed.  In myself.

I know I’m better than this.  I’ve proved that.

I’ve come a long way.  I’ve made great strides.  I’ve overcome a lot.

And maybe that’s part of why things seem so hard right now.  Maybe that’s why the universe is testing me so much.

I’m not giving up.  I have a lot of fight in me.  Maybe my nickname should be “stubborn bitch” instead of “skinny bitch”.  I don’t feel much like a “skinny bitch” right now anyway.

I’m trying to refocus.  Look at things differently.  Shake things up.  Try new things. Make some changes.

The weather has been a big problem this winter.  I’ve wanted to get outside, but we’ve had a lot of snow and ice.  Not really good for getting outside for workouts.  Hoping the weather gets better soon.  Until then, I’m doing what I can indoors.

And I’ve asked for help. Begged really. A few people offered help, but then flaked out on me. And that just left me feeling worse than before. If they didn’t mean it, why did they offer? Why get my hopes up only to watch me crash to the ground?

So how do I get back on track?  And stay there?

How do I make working out fun and interesting again?

How do I break through the obstacles in front of me?

These are some of the things I’m still trying to figure out.

I know it sounds like I’m whining. And I kind of am.

And I know this sounds a bit negative. And I agree, it does.

But these are things that go through my head. And I find it beneficial to write about them. That is why I started this blog in the first place. Sometimes writing (or typing) these things out gets them out of my head and off my mind.

There is a lot of stuff to think about on this journey. A lot of it is good, but sometimes the negative stuff creeps up. Sometimes I get stuck in my own head. Sometimes I’m hard on myself. And that’s a good time to write about this stuff. And it usually helps.

Being on my own for the last several months has had me thinking a lot more. I am still figuring out a lot of stuff. And it will take time. But it’s all part of the journey, all part of the process.

And I need to remember that.

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