My journey to a healthier me

Tales of my life

Control – me vs. food

on May 29, 2013

We all like to be in control over different aspects of our lives. There are things we can easily control, some we can control some of the time, and others that we cannot control at all. Food should be one of those things we can easily control. The problem is lately I feel like food is controlling me. And I don’t like it.

Lately I feel like I’m always wanting to eat. I’m trying to be good. I’m trying to eat healthy. But it’s hard. Harder than it should be, harder than it used to be. It’s not that I’m necessarily hungry, I just seemed to always want to eat. I don’t know why. And I’m giving in way more than I should. And I don’t know why.

I’ve been keeping a food journal for over a year. I write down everything I eat and when. And more often than not, I include the calories. I know I should always include the calories, but I don’t always know what they are so I can’t include them. If I don’t know or can’t find out the calories, I probably shouldn’t be eating it, but I do anyway. So why am I over doing it? Why am I eating more than I should? Why am I eating things I know I shouldn’t? I don’t know. I truly don’t.

I find myself reaching for snack after snack. Some of them are healthy snacks, some are not. But regardless, I shouldn’t be snacking as much as I am. I don’t know why I seem to want to eat all the time. Something is going on. I just wish I knew what it is.

Like I said, I feel like food is controlling me instead of me controlling it. I know it all has to do with this slump I’m in. The feeling that I’ve lost or at least misplaced my motivation and drive. But what I don’t know is why or how to get it back. I’m trying, though. With everything I have. I don’t want to lose this fight. Although there are times when I fear I might. I’ve been sharing my struggles with my friends. They seem to understand and are trying to help me through it. And that’s the main reason for doing it. I know I need their help.

I’m frustrated and angry with myself. I know I can do better. I know what I need to do. I know how to control my food, at least for the most part. So why am I struggling with it? Why am I letting food control me? How do I take back that control?

I don’t have the answers to those questions. At least not yet. But I’m trying. I’m not giving up. I’ll figure it out. I’ll get back to where I need to be. I just hope it’s soon.

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