My journey to a healthier me

Tales of my life

Memories – Happy Birthday Mom

on May 16, 2013

Today would have been my mom’s 66th birthday. I went to sleep last night thinking of her and woke up this morning thinking of her. I’m filled with memories today. Everything seems to remind me of her today.

I took the day off from the gym today because I knew it would be a hard day for me. Yesterday I took in cupcakes I made in honour of her birthday — butter pecan cake with whipped cream cheese frosting. Everyone said they were good. (For the record, I did not eat one, although I did have a little bit of frosting). Baking always reminds me of my mom because she’s the one who got me interested in baking. I can remember being a little girl and helping her in the kitchen. She taught me to cook as well, but baking became my passion. Christmas just didn’t feel the same until we started baking. I still feel that way now. Even when I was recovering from my surgery, I still baked at Christmas. It has always made me feel connected to her. Probably more so now that she’s gone.

As I get older, I find myself doing things like she did. It used to bug me, when I was in my teens and 20s. But not now. Now it seems kind of special. I wonder if my brothers and sister feel the same way. Do they find themselves doing things or saying things like she did? If so, I wonder how they feel about it. I will admit my mom and I were not always close. I was a daddy’s girl growing up. Mom and I clashed a few times when I was a teenager. And after my parents split up, we didn’t talk for a few years. But life has a way of bringing people closer. Mom and I mended our differences and grew quite close. When I found out she wouldn’t be able to travel to my wedding, Dan and I moved our wedding to her so she could be there. She even made my veil. When I moved far away, I tried to call and visit as often as I could. It got harder and harder to visit though. And I regret that. I hope she knew how much I loved her and wished I could have visited more often. It breaks my heart to think otherwise.

A couple of years ago, my dad and I went to visit his brother. My mom was always close with my Aunt Liz, even after my parents divorced. And when I saw my aunt, I realized just how much she reminded me of my mom. It was Easter weekend of 2011. I called my mom while we were there and let her talk to Aunt Liz. It meant a lot to me to hear them talking. And I think it meant a lot to my mom too. When we visited again after my mom died and after my uncle died, I was reminded again of how much my aunt was like my mom. I think I told her that too. At least I hope I did. My aunt is a very special woman too.

When my mom died, I was nearly derailed off my journey completely. I felt like I was in a fog for probably 6 months. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to come out of it. But I did. And I think I’m stronger because of it. I think about my mom a lot. I’d like to think she’s proud of me and what I’m doing. Sometimes it’s the memories of her that help keep me going, keep me from giving up. There are days that I cry when I think about her. And there are other days when I smile and laugh. Like when I think about her up there spoiling my cat Sloan who died in 2010. Even though mom never got to meet Sloan, she would make him toys at Christmas and he loved them. Mom had a cat named Maxx and she spoiled him. I can just imagine her spoiling Sloan the same way. My other cat who died, Jale, might be harder for her to spoil, but I bet she found a way. It’s thoughts like those that make me smile and miss her even more.

She got the chance to see my home or the town where I live. But I bet she would have loved it here. Most of the time, my area is very peaceful. I think she would have liked walking along the waterfront. Or driving around the county. I wanted to shoot a video for her, so she could see where I lived, but I never got around to it. I regret that. But I try not to dwell on things like that. I try not to have regrets. Life is too short. Losing my mom so young made me realize that. I try to live a better life in part because of her. I miss her every day. And I think I always will.

I love you, Mom. And I miss you so much. Happy Birthday.

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