My journey to a healthier me

Tales of my life

A letter to my mom

on May 12, 2013

This week is a difficult time for me, with Mother’s Day and what would have been my mom’s birthday within days of each other. I lost my mom in 2011. I miss her every day. There are times when I just want to pick up the phone and call her. I want to tell her about my accomplishments, my achievements. I want to hear the pride in her voice. I want to visit her, hug her, tell her I love her. With that in mind, I’ve written her a letter to tell her all the things I wish I could tell her now.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dear Mom,

I miss you so much. I’m sorry I didn’t call as often as I should have. I sorry I didn’t make more of an effort to visit. I hope you know how much I love you. Even now. Even though you have been gone almost 2 years. It’s hard to believe sometimes that it’s been almost 2 years. Time has really flown by. There is so much I wish I could have said to you before you left us. There is so much I want to tell you now. Jerry let me have the angel bear I gave you. It’s sitting on the shelf above my desk. And the angel picture you painted for me so many years ago is still hanging on the wall in my bedroom. They remind me of you, as if I need reminding. I like to think you are watching over me.

I wish you were here to see the woman I’m becoming, the woman I think you always wanted me to be. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you sooner. I know you always wanted the best for me. We clashed on several occasions about what was best for me. I did hear the things you said, even if it appeared I didn’t. I heard them, but didn’t truly understand. I know that now. I’m sorry it took me so long to understand.

I wish I could tell you how much I admired you, how much I wanted to be like you. You were always a strong person, especially when times were tough, like when your dad died, and when you and dad split up. I was so shy and introverted, I didn’t think I’d ever be as strong as you. I’ve proved myself wrong there. I think I’m very strong, much more so that I ever thought possible. I think I owe some of that to you, for showing me the way. Thank you for that.

I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you about my health. I know now that I wasn’t ready. I heard the things you said, I just wasn’t ready to change. I’m sorry it took so long for me to be ready. I’m sorry I didn’t listen when you got sick. I’m sorry it took me getting sick to realize how right you were. I hope you are happy that I’m finally getting it right.

I know I wasn’t always a good kid. I know we had our problems. But I always loved you, always respected you. I was just trying to find my own way, be my own person. You taught me that. I am who I am and who I’m becoming because of you and dad, of the things you taught me, of the ways you showed me, even if you didn’t realize that’s what you were doing.

I wish I could talk to you about my journey. I want to share my accomplishments with you. I want to cry on your shoulder when I’m struggling. I hope you are proud of me, of what I’m doing. I’m proud of myself. I’m not sure I ever thought I could be this person. But I like being this person. No, that’s not right … I love being this person. I’m doing things I didn’t think I would ever be able to do. I wish you could meet the new friends I’ve made. They are a great bunch of people. I think you would like them. At least I hope you would.

I love you so much, Mom. I wish you were still here. I know it was your time to go. I know you are in a better place. But there are days when I really need you. I will always miss you. I will always keep you close to my heart. I will always love you.

Your loving daughter,

Jenn

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