My journey to a healthier me

Tales of my life

Biggest fears

I’m a fairly recent fan of the show The Biggest Loser. The current season is only the second full season I’ve watched, although I’ve seen a tiny bit of a couple of other seasons. Anyway, this week’s episode was about facing your fears. I thought it was a really good episode since I have issues with that myself. Each contestant must face and conquer something that terrifies them. I don’t know if I could have done as well as they did. But the episode did get me to think about what some of my biggest fears are.

I’ve written about fears before. But really I just scratched the surface. Maybe I wasn’t ready to face them then. I’m not sure I’m really ready now, but I’m going to write about them anyway.

So what am I afraid of?

I’m afraid of failing. I think that has to number one. I’m afraid that even with all my hard work, I will fail in my journey to be a healthier person.

I’m afraid of falling back into old habits. For years, decades really, I lived an unhealthy life. I ate poorly and spend an insane amount of time sitting on the couch, watching television. I don’t even know how I called that “living”. And now that I’m working on correcting that, I’m worried that I will go back to my old ways.

I’m afraid of disappointing my supporters. I have a lot of people cheering me on and I would hate to do something to make them disappointed in me. I don’t want them to think I’m giving up on myself. I don’t want them to give up on me.

I’m afraid of having to do this all on my own – I’m afraid of losing Tyler. We’ve been working together almost a year now, and in that time I’ve made huge strides. I’ve done things I’d never thought I’d be able to do, or at least not this soon. I’m leaps and bounds ahead of where I thought I’d be on my own. I got really lucky when I found him. He’s taught me so much. I know that it’s me doing the work, but he’s right there helping me, lending me some confidence when I can’t find my own, and believing in me like no one ever has before.

So if I’m afraid of all these things, how do I keep going? How do I get out of bed each day and head to the gym? How do I continue to make healthy food choices? How do I not give up?

I try to remember that every little bit counts.
I try to remember to strive for progress, not perfection.
I try to remember that I’m not perfect and that’s okay.
I try to remember that it’s okay to have a bad day now and then.
I try not to let my fears rule my life.

And when I do fall, I get back up, dust myself off, and try again.
And if I can’t, I have a lot of people around me who will help me up.


Feeling disconnected

For the last week or so something has been off. I don’t know what it is. All I know is I’m feeling very disconnected. I’m struggling to get through the day. I’m struggling with food cravings. Sometimes I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep the day away. But I don’t. I still get up and try my best to get through the day. I try to put on a happy face when I’m around others. I think some of them may know or suspect that something is wrong, but they haven’t said anything. I’ve tried talking about it, but that’s hard to do when you don’t know what’s wrong. I keep thinking that maybe it’s just the winter blues, but I don’t know for sure. I wish I did. I wish I knew what’s going on. I’m trying not to let it affect my workouts. But I don’t know if it is. I’m still going to the gym 5-6 days a week. I’m trying hard. I keep pushing myself. But is it enough? I’m feeling alone. I’m not sure anyone can understand. I’m not sure I understand. I don’t know how to even talk about it. I don’t know how to break out of this. I’m feeling very disconnected.

Leave a comment »

Quinte’s Biggest Loser – 2nd weigh-in

So today is the 2nd weigh-in for the Quinte’s Biggest Loser contest. I’ve been working really hard, so I was really hoping for a good number.

I started the day by getting to the gym early for a last chance workout before heading to the weigh in. I had my best time on the stair stepper today — 35 minutes without stopping! (I only stopped at 35 minutes because I really had to go to the bathroom LOL). Then I did 17 minutes on the stationary bike, another personal best. I’m not very good on the bike yet, but I’m trying. I wanted to switch to the elliptical after that, but they were all being used, so I settled for the treadmill. I walked at a fairly brisk pace, and then did a little jogging. I managed to get 38 minutes in before I had to stop so I could down to the weigh-in.

I did have to stop for a minute at one point because someone walked by me wearing so much cologne that I thought I was going to puke! OMG! Why do some people find it necessary to bath in their cologne?! Seriously, have some respect for others around you! Okay, sorry, just had to get that out of my system.

I was a little nervous when Tyler and I got down to the hospital for the weigh-in. Like I said, I’ve been working really hard, but I started thinking maybe I didn’t work hard enough, maybe I should have pushed harder. So I get on the scale, and to my delight, it said I was down almost 13 pounds!! So excited! I was hoping for at least 10, so to see more than that was just awesome! That’s almost as much as I lost during the whole contest last year. And in addition, I’m also down 2.6 inches at my waist!

There is still lots of time in the competition, so I have to keep pushing hard. I may not actually win the title, but I still win in the end. I win a better life, a healthier life.

Some days I still struggle, but not today. Today has been a pretty amazing day. And I’m feeling pretty damn good 🙂


Jogging update

Ok I almost posted this last week. And it was going to be more like I was frustrated with my jogging and ready to give up.

But today I have a different view.

Today I’m feeling pretty good.

I know I’m relatively new to this jogging thing, and I know it will take time to improve. And I remember that most of the time. I didn’t last week. Last week I was very frustrated. I didn’t feel like I was making any progress with my jogging. In fact, I felt like I was losing ground. I was ready to give up ever being able to run. That little voice that lives in my head that tells me something is too hard and I should just give up was very loud. And I almost listened. Almost.

But today I woke up with a different attitude. Today I was determined to keep trying, determined to do better.

I have to keep reminding myself to strive for progress, not perfection. And every little bit counts.

Sometimes I still forget. Thankfully I have friends who help remind me.

Anyway, let me update you on how the jogging is going.

I started by just jogging 30 secs then walking. I’ve moved up to jogging 1 minute, walking 1 minute. I can do that relatively easily now. Occasionally I will jog 2 minutes. My record is 3 minutes 30 seconds, but I’ve only been able to do that once. I’ve been able to do 3 minutes a few times.

I had been itching to try jogging outside and I finally got my chance a couple of weeks ago. Tyler and I did a run around the park near the gym. We were out for a little more than an hour. For the first 30 minutes, I did 1 minute jogging/1 minute walking … The second 30 minutes, I did 2 minutes jogging/2 minutes walking. It was hard, but I actually enjoyed it. The weather has been very uncooperative since then, so we haven’t been able to do it again yet. But hopefully soon. I’m kind of anxious to get out there.

Last week I felt like giving up altogether. It just seemed so much harder than it should have been. I didn’t feel very good about my jogging. I didn’t feel like I was making any progress at all. But my friends at the gym kept me going. In fact, today, my friend Sean told me that he can see real improvement. He said my stride has become more athletic. I love that! I had been so down on myself, feeling I wasn’t getting anywhere, and then I hear something like that. It’s so awesome! I’ve had a few people tell me I’m doing a great job. And I can never hear that enough. It means so much to me. It really keeps me going.

I’m still not exactly where I’d like to be, but I’m feeling pretty good about where I’m at. I try to do a little jogging each day on the treadmill. I’m hoping I will keep improving. I’m hoping soon I will be able to go 5 minutes without stopping. I’m doing a 5k next month and I want to be able to jog a good portion of it. If I can keep out of my head, I think I can get there. With the support of my friends, I know I can.

I just have to keep telling myself to strive for progress, not perfection. And every little bit counts.

Look for more updates soon.

Leave a comment »