My journey to a healthier me

Tales of my life

Am I crazy??

on January 20, 2013

The last couple of days I’ve been questioning myself, doubting myself. This is nothing new for me. But it’s been a while since I doubled myself this much. I’m beginning to think I’m a little crazy, wondering what I’ve gotten myself into. You see, I have big plans for myself this year. I am planning on doing 2 – 10k walk/runs, in which I want to be able run/jog part of the time; and 2 Relay for Life walks, and in each I want to do 50 laps. I think that’s pretty ambitious. Especially if you consider the fact that I couldn’t do either last year.

I walked in my first 5k last year. And I’m very proud of that. And I really want to do a 10k. But right now I’m questioning whether I will be ready, whether I can actually do it. I never attempted 10k before. What if I can’t do it?? I’m trying to push myself, but what if it’s not enough??

During the Relay for Life last year, I walked 35 laps. That was the most I’d ever done. It wasn’t all at once, of course. It was like 5 or 6 laps at a time and over a 12-hour period. So why do I want to do 50? Good question. I don’t have an answer really. Maybe to prove to myself that I can. But now I’m questioning it. Is it too ambitious?? And I’m planning to do it twice. Is that too ambitious as well?

And I’m questioning myself in general too. Am I training hard enough? Am I pushing myself enough? Am I doing everything I can? Am I eating clean enough? Can I be doing more?

I know that every little bit counts. I know that every workout I do brings me closer to my ultimate goal. I know that I’m stronger than I was last year … Heck, I’m stronger than I was 3 months ago! And yet, I’m still questioning myself, still doubting myself. And I don’t know how not to.

And that sometimes makes me think I’m crazy. Am I crazy for creating such ambitious goals for myself? Am I crazy for thinking I’m not training hard enough? Am I crazy for doubting myself?

I try not to let these thoughts get to me. I try not to let them get into my head. But sometimes it happens when I’m not paying attention. Or if I’m having a bad day. Or if I’m struggling at the gym. I need to figure out how to stop them. I just don’t know how. I’m working on it though.

I have great friends that I can turn to when I’m struggling. But what if they get tired of listening to my struggles, of me needing their help all the time? What if they get tired of me doubting myself? I don’t want them to give up on me. I don’t want them to think I’m giving up on myself.

So what do I do? I do I stop questioning myself? How do I stop doubting myself? How do I stop thinking I’m crazy? I don’t have the answers … at least not yet.


2 responses to “Am I crazy??

  1. leannenalani says:

    Don’t think in terms of crazy. You’re not crazy! It sounds like you just have a lot of doubts and worries. I don’t know much about 5k’s or 10k’s, but the fact that you have made this decision and you are working really hard toward your goals says so much about the progress you’re making. What if you can’t do it, what if it’s too much? You’ll be ready because you’re doing everything you can to get ready. And anyway, even if something happened that made you unable to complete it, you did everything you could and should be proud of it. Maybe you’d feel better if you took some time to write out a list of every positive thing you are doing for yourself right now, including the things you have accomplished. I find positive lists to be really helpful.

    • jenncoleman says:

      That’s a great idea, Thanks! Sometimes it’s easier to focus on the negative stuff and that needs to change. I’ve done a lot of great things in the past year and I should focus on that instead.

      Thanks for your comments. They are greatly appreciated and always welcome šŸ™‚

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