My journey to a healthier me

Tales of my life

The voice in my head

on January 4, 2013

No I’m not crazy.

But yes, I have a voice in my head.

Everyone does.

But not everyone listens to theirs.

I didn’t listen to mine for years. I could hear it sometimes but I mostly ignored it. It would tell me that I needed to smarten up, to take my health seriously, to eat better, to move more. But I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to listen. That is until that day in 2009 when I was sitting in that doctor’s office listening to him tell me I had cancer. Then the voice was loud and clear and I could no longer ignore it.

That day it told me that this was it. I had been given a chance to make my life better and that I’d damn well better do something about it. And I listened.

But it was hard. I didn’t really know what to do or how to do it. And I didn’t really know how to listen to that voice. All I knew was that I had to start small, I had to do a little bit at a time or it wasn’t going to stick. So that’s what I did. I started by changing how I ate and what I ate. And even that I did a little bit at a time. And after I recovered from the surgery to remove the cancer, I just started to move more. And it made a big difference.

But I struggled. A lot. That voice and I argued. A lot. Emotional issues in my life kept me yo-yoing. I had to learn to deal with life’s difficulties in a new way. And that in itself was a struggle. The death of my mom nearly derailed me completely. I took a long time to come out of that, but I eventually pulled through.

Then at the end of 2011, a friend suggested a group of us join a weight loss contest / fundraiser for our local hospital that was starting in January 2012. It sounded pretty cool, so we did. And that’s when I joined the gym.

And that’s when it clicked.

It’s hard to explain any other way.

Something just clicked. I finally got it. The voice in my head was finally making sense to me.

I started slowly, just walking on the treadmill, but it felt great. The voice and I were getting along famously (haha). The more I went to the gym, the more I wanted to go. And the more I went, the more I could do. The more I could do, the more I wanted to do.

I was having success for the first time in a long time. I felt better than I think I ever had.

I still struggled, but I didn’t want to give up. I talked to people, I read articles, I did research. I was trying really hard.

And then I met Tyler. I joined a class he taught at the gym. And then another one. And then I asked him to take me on as a client.

And I swear the voice in my rejoiced.

Something clicked there too. He made working out fun. He made it enjoyable. (Yes, I realize that sounds odd). He seemed to get me. He seemed to understand.

When I hit a major plateau, he helped me through it. Suddenly the voice in my head changed. Or perhaps I should say my little voice was joined by a bigger one.

And it sounded a lot like Tyler.

That voice has been with me for months now. I’m used to hearing it. It has gotten me through some tough moments. It helped me when I had to switch gyms. It helped me when I hit walls.

But hasn’t always been there. There has been a few times when it’s been silent. And that was hard. I didn’t know what to do. I struggled without it. It would help push me when I needed it. I have had a hard time pushing myself.

But something interesting happened recently.

The big voice has been silent for a couple of weeks. But the little voice has not. The little voice has been very active, and louder than ever. It’s helped push me hard. And I’ve been listening.

Do I think the big voice is gone? I certainly hope not. I like that voice. I think it will back. I think it just needed a break. Maybe it wanted to see how I would do on my own.

I hope when it does come back, it will be impressed by what I’ve been able to do on my own. I have to say I’m pretty proud of myself. Have I been perfect? No, of course not. But I think I’ve done pretty well. And I’m proud of myself for that.

Yes, I have a voice in my head.

Yes, I listen to the voice.

Yes, I talk to the voice.

No, I’m not crazy.

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2 responses to “The voice in my head

  1. Liz McLennan says:

    I love this. LOVE it. That voice, my friend, is yours. Sing it, yell it, shout it, rejoice it – this is YOU, pushing and prodding and making yourself into the you you’ve always wanted to be.

    Now, can your voice have a chat with mine? Mine wants me to wallow and eat chips.

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