My journey to a healthier me

Tales of my life

Dark days

on November 6, 2012

I’m discovering more and more that this journey is not just about losing weight. There is another equally important part to it that most people don’t realize. It’s the emotional/mental part of the journey. When you are used to using food as a comfort, or if you are an emotional or stress eater, you have to find new ways of dealing with all those emotions and stresses that you used to use food to deal with. And that’s not easy. There are good days and bad days. And what works once, may not work the next time. The longer the journey lasts, the more stuff you have to learn to deal with. If you are very lucky, you will have the support of family and friends to help you along. But sometimes even that isn’t enough. Sometimes there are dark days. And the dark days can be crippling. I should know. I’ve had quite a few. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed. There are days when I just want to cry, and I can’t always tell you why. I want to know, I want to break through, but sometimes it’s difficult. Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck, stuck in my head and I can’t find the way out. I question everything, especially myself. I hate days like that. They are less frequent than they used to be, but they still happen. Sometimes they end quickly; sometimes they last awhile. Sometimes I can feel them coming on; sometimes they seem to come out of nowhere. Sometimes the support of a friend brings me out; sometimes I have to find my own way out. I have noticed that, sometimes the longer the dark days last, the more I’m afraid, although I don’t always recognize it until it’s over. So what do I have to be afraid of? I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of losing my support system. I’m afraid of waking up one day to discover that I’ve dreamed the last 10 months. I’m afraid that I will do something that will cause my biggest supporters to give up on me. And I’m sure a lot of this doesn’t make much sense to most people. But if you are someone like me who has not always had people in their corner, who support them no matter what, you will understand. To have someone in your life who is willing to help you no matter what and won’t give up on you, is one of the greatest things in life. Everyone needs someone like that. Everyone deserves someone like that. I’m lucky in that I have a few like that. But there is still that fear that they will one day disappear, that they will get tired of my dark days and leave, that they will be frustrated, or that I will make them angry. When I’m having dark days, I think about those things. Thankfully, when I’m having good days, I don’t. Okay, I do my best not to think about them. I hope the day never comes that I need to face one of those fears. I hope one day I can let myself be happy every day. I hope one day I won’t need to remind myself that those people aren’t going to give up, that they are in this for the long haul with me. I’m working on that. I really am. Until then, I will just take it one day at a time.


4 responses to “Dark days

  1. Liz McLennan says:

    These are the hardest lessons and to be honest, I’ll take my cues from you. Like so many others, I eat to shove my emotions further down and it shows on my body. I am behind you in the journey toward self, but eager to keep moving. Maybe that will help you some, knowing that someone else is inspired by your path…and is following.


  2. Someone once told me that when you have those tough days, those moments where you would have grabbed a cookie or whatever, do an instant gratification chore or craft. The satisfaction that you get from cleaning out the junk drawer or making something can take the place of the food.
    Just something I was told!
    Know that those who truly support you will support you through anything. They will listen, they will lend a shoulder but they will also pull you up by your bootstraps and give you a kick in the bottom if that’s what is needed! A true friend shouldn’t get truly tired, for they love you, your shininess and darkness, and should accept you for you 🙂

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