My journey to a healthier me

Tales of my life

I think I can, I think I can …

on July 8, 2012

This is a tough one for me. It’s knowing deep down that you can do something. It’s being self-assured. It’s about confidence. I’ve written about it before. It’s something I’ve struggled with since I was young.

In the past few months I’ve gotten better at it, but there are times I still struggle. There are days where I feel like I could climb a mountain. And there are days where I don’t feel like I can even put on the boots.

Some days it seems easy. I get through my workout without a problem and I’m not feeling that sore. And then there are those other days. Days like this past Friday. Days where it seems to take every bit of energy I have to get it done. When I started going to the gym 5 days a week, I knew it was going to be a challenge for me. But I made a commitment to myself to go and I’m doing my best. Some days my body is sore and I’m feeling tired and I don’t know if I can get it done, but somehow I do.

I worked hard Thursday. Really hard. And I think I did really well for the most part. I was feeling the aches long before I left the gym. And I was still feeling them Friday morning. But I still got up, still went to the gym, determined to do the best I could. But I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to do it. Friday was only cardio and 1 class. I’m trying to do 1-2 hours of cardio a day. Not always easy. When I got on the treadmill Friday morning, I was hurting. I thought there was no way I could be able to get even 1 hour in. I was cursing myself for working so hard Thursday, pushing myself past my limits. My whole body was just hurting. Even my normal treadmill music wasn’t helping. I had to stop at 20 minutes. It just hurt too much. Those doubting voices were in my head. Those voices I try so hard not to listen to. They were screaming. Hard to ignore. I was kicking myself for working so hard last week. I sat down to rest, had lots of time before class. I put on some music and tried to relax, tried not to listen to the voices in my head, tried to ignore my sore muscles.

Tyler came in, I turned off the music, we chatted for a while before class. I was worried I wouldn’t even be able to get through class. We started class. Only 4 of us. I pushed myself to get through it. Not easy, but I did it. I thought about just calling it a day. Tyler asked me if I was going to do some cardio. I told him I didn’t know. He asked if I just didn’t want to. I said it’s not that I didn’t want to, it’s that I wasn’t sure I had the strength to. He told me that I do have the strength. He said “you can do it. I know you can”. I told him “I’m glad one of us is confident that I can”, and I laughed. He said “only one of us needs to”. I thought that was good. Really good. So I headed to the treadmill determined to do it, determined not to let him down. It was hard to even climb the stairs. But there I was on the treadmill, trying hard to do 45 minutes. I was going slow, just trying to get it done. I turned on my treadmill music. That helped. I was alone most of the time. It hurt, but I kept going. Tried not to watch the time. Just listened to the music and sang along when I knew the words. Time seemed to go slowly at first. I tried not to think of my sore muscles. I kept going. Checked the time now and then … 20 minutes, OMG that seemed to take forever … Keep going, you can do it … 30 minutes … 43 minutes … Almost there … Keep going … Try for an hour … Not that much longer. Not sure where that voice was coming from. But it kept me going. Then 53 minutes … Muscles are still aching, but I don’t want to stop now … Almost there. Finally, 60 minutes. There’s the voice again … It’s okay, you can stop now. I was tired and sweating and aching all over. I made it down to the locker room, grabbed my stuff and headed out to catch the bus home.

When I finally get home I sent Tyler a text … “Hey Tyler, just wanted to let you know I somehow managed to get in an hour on the treadmill after you left”. He texts back … “Good job!! I don’t know how you do it some days”. I reply … “me either. But your confidence in me really helps”. I don’t know if he realizes just how much of an impact that has on me. Just knowing that someone believes in me when I’m not sure I believe in myself. He thinks I can do it, and that makes me think that maybe I can too. I don’t know if he ever has doubts about me. If he does, he doesn’t say them to me. He always seems to believe I can do it. That belief, that confidence is contagious. Everyone needs someone in their corner like that. Some days that’s what gets me through.

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