My journey to a healthier me

Tales of my life

Internal struggles

on April 23, 2012

I’ve been struggling lately. Not physically, but more mentally and emotionally. For the first few days I couldn’t even tell you why. I’m still not sure I know completely what the issues are, but I think I have an idea of part of it.

I’ve been on a plateau for a few weeks now, almost a month. And I think it’s really getting to me. I’m not seeing changes, although some people have told me that they can. I’m trying to push myself through it, but it’s not easy. I’m stuck in my own head. Those nagging doubts that say to give up, that I can’t do it, that it’s too hard. I’m trying not to listen to them. But it’s not easy. It’s taking every ounce of willpower that I have not to just give in. I walked into a convenience store the other day and those nagging little voices kept telling me to buy some junk food, but I resisted. We went grocery shopping and it took everything in me not to fill the cart with junk foods.

I don’t know where these nagging voices are coming from and I don’t know how to get rid of them. I’d like to think I’m stronger than they are, but I’m so afraid that they will win. I’m afraid of failing … Failing yet again at becoming a healthier person. This is just about the point that I’ve failed in the past. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be strong, to get stronger. But how do I do that with these stupid voices!!!!!

Part of the problem is that lately I’ve been spending far too much time alone. Dan is working long hours and every day. So there is a lot of time for those voices to go through my head. I just wish I knew how to shut them up.

Today the weather is really crappy, and I knew it would be. I had every excuse not to go to the gym. But I got myself up and went. And worked extra hard to try and silence the voices. The fact that I even made it to the gym is a feat in itself. In the past I would have just stayed home. The voices aren’t completely silent, but perhaps not as noisy as they were. If I could just shut them up.

I’m really enjoying going to the gym, so I’m hoping that will help me get past this plateau and this funk that I’m in. I’m really trying. I really want to succeed this time. I really want to prove to myself and everyone who ever doubted me that I can do it.

I will do it.

I WILL do it.



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