My journey to a healthier me

Tales of my life

Feeling better

So today I’m feeling better. Better than I have in a week. Those nagging voices have finally quieted down. Hopefully they will stay quiet for a good long time. I’m not saying I won’t have bad days, I’m sure I will, but for now things are good. I had a great talk with my friend Jeff, who is just one of the greatest friends anyone could ask for, and he really helped a lot. And, more importantly, I had a nice long chat with Tyler, my trainer, whom I also consider a friend. He said things to me that I really needed to hear, and he really listened to me as I tried to explain what has been bugging me. Some of it was a little hard to explain, and I’m not sure I made a lot of sense at times, but he seemed to really understand. I absolutely made the right choice picking him as my trainer. Beyond the training, I feel like I’ve made a good friend.

Anyway, back to feeling better. Because I’m feeling better today, I feel like my workout was much better today. I mean that I feel like I got more out of it today than I had the past couple of times. My time on the treadmill felt different today, in a good way. I’m learning to walk on the treadmill without holding on. When I first started at the gym, I was so afraid of falling, that I held on the whole time. The other day I decided to see if I could do it without holding on. I amazed myself that I could do it so easily! I started back at a 0 incline, but going to start working my way back up. I’m already at a 2.0 incline! I noticed that some things are getting easier for me to do in stretch class as well. Even if I am not seeing progress in the mirror, I feel like I’m making progress, and that is a big deal! Last week I told Tyler that I didn’t think he worked me hard enough in our session because my muscles were not that sore the next day LOL. He seemed a little surprised and told me that next time he work me until I puked! Well he worked me a lot harder today, but I didn’t puke (thank goodness). But it was a great session. I felt really good afterwards, and I have a feeling my muscles are going to be sore tomorrow LOL.

One thing I’ve noticed is that the better I feel before my workout, the better I feel after … both mentally and physically. My muscles might be sore, but it’s a good sore, if that makes any sense. I don’t know if that’s true for everyone or even if it’s true all the time, it’s just something I’ve noticed a few times now about myself.

Anyway, today was a great day at the gym. And I’m feeling better.



Internal struggles

I’ve been struggling lately. Not physically, but more mentally and emotionally. For the first few days I couldn’t even tell you why. I’m still not sure I know completely what the issues are, but I think I have an idea of part of it.

I’ve been on a plateau for a few weeks now, almost a month. And I think it’s really getting to me. I’m not seeing changes, although some people have told me that they can. I’m trying to push myself through it, but it’s not easy. I’m stuck in my own head. Those nagging doubts that say to give up, that I can’t do it, that it’s too hard. I’m trying not to listen to them. But it’s not easy. It’s taking every ounce of willpower that I have not to just give in. I walked into a convenience store the other day and those nagging little voices kept telling me to buy some junk food, but I resisted. We went grocery shopping and it took everything in me not to fill the cart with junk foods.

I don’t know where these nagging voices are coming from and I don’t know how to get rid of them. I’d like to think I’m stronger than they are, but I’m so afraid that they will win. I’m afraid of failing … Failing yet again at becoming a healthier person. This is just about the point that I’ve failed in the past. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be strong, to get stronger. But how do I do that with these stupid voices!!!!!

Part of the problem is that lately I’ve been spending far too much time alone. Dan is working long hours and every day. So there is a lot of time for those voices to go through my head. I just wish I knew how to shut them up.

Today the weather is really crappy, and I knew it would be. I had every excuse not to go to the gym. But I got myself up and went. And worked extra hard to try and silence the voices. The fact that I even made it to the gym is a feat in itself. In the past I would have just stayed home. The voices aren’t completely silent, but perhaps not as noisy as they were. If I could just shut them up.

I’m really enjoying going to the gym, so I’m hoping that will help me get past this plateau and this funk that I’m in. I’m really trying. I really want to succeed this time. I really want to prove to myself and everyone who ever doubted me that I can do it.

I will do it.

I WILL do it.


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Mixing it up

So I’ve decided to change things up. I’m trying to add new things to my workouts to “surprise” my muscles. I don’t want to get complacent or bored, so I figure the best way to do that is to mix it up a little. Monday was the first day since I started at the gym that I did NOT use the treadmill. I did, however, walk to and from the gym, which was a helluva workout on its own! I’m trying to add more weights as well. And last night I tried a Zumba class for the first time! It was fun and a good workout, but I discovered I don’t have a lot of coordination LOL. I was having trouble doing the leg and arm movements together, so I did one or the other. I figured as long as I was moving, I was getting a good workout in. I think I’ll try it again next week. A bunch of friends who are all losing weight did the class together. It’s a lot more fun with friends. We all did the weight loss challenge and became friends. We are all continuing our journeys and supporting each other. We are putting together workout sessions to do together outside our respective gyms. We already have one trainer willing to run at least a session or two for us. We are trying to get others as well. I’m still working hard towards my goal of walking in a 5K. I may get there sooner than I have planned, but we shall see. I don’t want to push myself too hard too fast. It’s all good. And with my awesome trainer Tyler and the support of family and friends, I’m confident I will get there.

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So last Friday at the gym I had a little meltdown. I was really frustrated because I couldn’t do a lot of the stuff we were doing in class and it just boiled over. The meltdown started in class, but really got going after class when I tried doing something so that should be relatively easy. There was a lot of crying and swearing involved. The worst part is that several people were there to see it, including my trainer. Tyler is really great, he helped calm me down, but I was (and still am) a bit embarrassed by the whole thing. I’m almost 42 years old and there I was acting like a child! I think maybe it had been building for a while and it just all came to a head. As “punishment” for my behavior, I made myself walk home from the gym. I thought it might make me feel a little better, but it didn’t really. I was still pretty upset with myself the rest of the day. But Dan and I went out over the weekend and I blew off some steam. That actually made me feel a bit better. I had some fun and got to see some good friends. So I’m determined to put what happened behind me and kick some ass at the gym from now on! I will do the best I can, and if I can’t do something, I will keep at it until I can! I know I’ve already made great progress since starting at the gym. There are many things I thought I’d never be able to do and I’m doing them, either all the way or in part. Many people have told me how much of a difference they can see in me. That makes me feel good. There are still going to be bad days, but hopefully I will be better prepared for them from now on.

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It’s been awhile …

I just realized that it has been quite awhile since I posted anything. Not sure why. It’s not like I haven’t been going anything. Anyway, let me catch you up on what’s been happening.

The weight loss challenge I was doing has ended. I lost about 15 lbs overall and several inches. I don’t know exactly how many inches because I neglected to get measured but I can tell my clothes are a lot looser. In fact, I’ve had to buy some new clothes because most of what I had was too big. I still need to replace a few things but I’m good for now.

I’m going to the gym 3 days a week now. I have it on my calendar when I’m going. I was only going haphazardly before, but now I’ve made a commitment when to go. I think it’s working out very well.

I regularly walk to the gym now too. I did it the first time just to prove that I could. Took me almost an hour the first time. Now it takes me about 35 minutes. It’s about a 1.5 km walk. I’ve only walked home a could of times. Partly because I’m a little tired after I workout. But sometimes I walk part of the way and then take the bus. My goal is to walk to the gym and then home again in the same day. I’m working up to it. I’ll get there soon.

I’ve started taking classes at the gym. I’m not sure if I mentioned that before. I started with a stretch class and then I added a core combo class. I’m getting to do things I never thought I’d be able to do. I really think they are helping. They are both taught by the same guy which I like. He pushes us but not too much.

I’ve also hired a personal trainer to help push me even more. He’s really good. He’s teaching me quite a bit. I’ve surprised myself by what I’ve been able to do. I know I have a way to go, but I’m getting there.

I still struggle some days. I get mad at myself when I can’t do something. I get frustrated sometimes. But again it’s something I’m working on. I’m trying. It helps to have people who push me and people who are there to catch me when I stumble or fall. When I first started going to the gym, I only knew 1 person and didn’t really talk to anyone. Now I know lots of people and even talk to some I don’t know. It’s like my social skills are getting a workout too LOL.

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